CUCKOO CONSPIRACIST
New Emails From Alex Jones’s Phone Just Leaked!
Alex Jones’s phone is the gift that keeps on giving.
The following are emails found on the phone of Alex Jones that his lawyers somehow failed to keep protected:
To Roger Stone: “I want to start dressing like a Batman villain like you do. Got any style ideas for me? I like the idea of wearing just loincloths in public. From now on at our coke orgies will you start introducing me as ‘The Beast’? Or what about ‘King Dong’? Actually, I’ll get back to you, I wanna keep workshopping alter ego names.”
To Madison Cawthorn: “Hey, bud, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re no longer invited to me and Roger’s coke orgies. You violated the first rule of talking about them in public, and the second rule of nakedly humping people’s heads without consent. Your cousin can still come by though.”
To Donald Trump Jr.: “Hey man, you doing okay? I’m a little worried about you. You know I love some of that Florida Snow just as much as the next guy, but you can’t do it moments before you give a nationally televised address! And I’ve told you so many times that you need eyedrops. Your eyes were glowing so bright red I thought Hillary infected you with her Satanic zombie venom. This may sound ridiculous coming from me, Alex Jones, but moderation is the key. You shouldn’t be mixing so many downers and uppers. I’ll tell you what, go on InfoWars.com and use the promo code ‘HITLER2020’ and you’ll get a 75% discount on my Patriot Fuel energy drinks. They’re great and super powerful. They help me pull all-nighters like three times a week without the drip-down issues of coke, or the big pupil issues of weed. Just the occasional paranoid hallucinations, so definitely hide your guns when you’re gonna drink one. But they’ll keep you going all night. Most of the chemicals are banned in Europe, so you know they’re awesome. No socialism in these bad boys! Seriously, though, let me know if you need help. You look like sh*t in all the videos you keep posting online. Remember the rule: create f*cked up, but always edit and post them sober!”
To Matt Gaetz: “Hey, where’s the party at? The address you gave me is a house full of underage girls. Did you mix up some of the digits?”
To Donald Trump: “I think it was Ivanka who ratted you out to the FBI. I told you she should never have married Jared Kushner. The Jews are using her to sabotage you. I don’t understand why you don’t like Eric. He’s got a better business mind than Don Jr. for sure. The children’s charity fraud racket was the most profitable thing you’ve done financially since your Atlantic City casinos all went down in bankruptcy. Not the biggest windfalls in your portfolio, but consistent, dependable cash! Eric was right, you guys barely have any liquid assets, so you gotta hand it to Eric for finding that little goldmine of a niche. Charity executives trying to cure children’s cancer must be the most gullible dupes in the world. And because you guys jack up prices so much when hosting their fundraisers, it means less money to cure the cancer so that the racket can keep going in perpetuity! Admit it, that was genius of Eric. You should go easier on him. He’s my favorite. Honestly, Ivanka gives me the creeps. I swear to God on the morning of the January 6th rally I heard Ivanka lean over to Barron and tell him that if he or Melania ever tried to sue her to get more money out of your last will and testament she would personally dismember him into little pieces and feed him to Melania in a stew. That’s some f*cked up sh*t. Did you know that when Ivanka left the White House she gifted all her staffers a copy of ‘The Most Dangerous Game,’ that famous short story about the island where they hunt people? She told them all that if they ever write a memoir detailing secrets of what she’s like as a boss, she’ll hunt them all like prey and feed them to their parents or children in a stew. What the f*ck is it with her and turning people into stews?”
To Mark Meadows: “Tell Trump that, if he pardons me for all the school shooting parents’ lawsuits, I’m willing to sneak into Hillary Clinton’s volcano lair so I can rescue all the captive children there, and destroy all the shape-shifting lizards’ eggs so they can’t repopulate America with their demon spawn. Then I’ll strip naked and rub myself with baby oil so I can fight Hillary’s gay frog henchmen with karate. When I get to Hillary’s palace, I’m sure she’ll be hiding in her globalist bank vault full of all the Jews’ gold, so I’ll pretend to wait for her for several hours sitting on the side of her pool of children’s blood. Real slyly, I’ll drop a vial of anthrax I’ll have been hiding in my mouth the whole time to poison the pool. After I’ve waited long enough until I’m certain she must be getting weak and desperate for another sip of the blood to preserve her Satanic flesh, I’ll yell out that she must not be home so I’m leaving. As I head out of the palace, I’ll know the plan worked when I hear her demon shrieks and I feel my ears bleed down the side of my head while the anthrax vanquishes her back to the Underworld. Then I’ll sprint to Hillary’s spaceship as the volcano starts to shake and rumble, and the walls start to collapse, and the ceiling crumbles down all around me. I’ll make it to the spaceship just in time to fly away as the volcano’s steel doors are closing, and barely make it through the gap. Then I’ll deliver the stolen children to their parents, and fly to the White House to accept my pardon. Mark, promise me you’re gonna tell Trump about my plan this time, okay?”
To his ex-wife: “If you or your lawyer call me mentally unstable one more time in court I will cut the electricity from your house, sneak into your house, and hold you and the children hostage until a SWAT team mops up my blood off the floor of your bedroom! I know you’re working with Hillary and Pelosi! I came by your house and I saw several frogs hanging around. The gay kind! How much money are those reptilian, fluoride freaks paying you to ruin me? I won’t let Hillary Clinton steal our children and bathe in their blood! Never! Does that make me crazy? I’ve never been more sane about anything in my life! I think it’s crazy you’re apparently okay with Obama walking right into our house and taking our kids to put them in school shooting Hollywood bootcamp! You don’t even own a gun to protect the kids from the Democrats! If I’m the negligent parent, why am I the only one who leaves a loaded AR-15 in every room for them to fend off Hillary? Riddle me that!”
To his ex-wife (ten minutes later): “You can’t send that last email to the judge in our child custody trial because I sent it to Donald Trump too so now its protected by executive privilege!”
To Mitch McConnell: “Hey, Turtle Man, if Trump appointed me as Secretary of the Media in 2024, do you think the Senate would confirm me? Full disclosure, there are warrants for my arrest for public masturbation in 6 states. Let me know. I’m currently reading every biography of Joseph Goebbels I can find at every public library within a 50 mile radius of Austin… except for the libraries that have banned me for public masturbation.”
To Roger Stone: “Hey man, ever since we invited Madison Cawthorn to the orgy it burns when I pee.” 🥃
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