Eric Trump Is Launching A 2024 Presidential Campaign!
“I was first, so Don Jr. and Ivanka can suck it!”
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The sibling rivalry between President Donald Trump’s oldest children is heating up as Eric Trump just announced his 2024 presidential candidacy.
Eric is the first Trump kid to officially launch a presidential campaign, though both Donald Jr. and Ivanka are rumored to be exploring future runs as well.
“I was first,” explained Eric in a brief press conference with reporters this morning. “So Don and Ivanka can suck it! I have dibs so they better back off. Ivanka thinks she should be the next president because she’s a girl and she’s our dad’s favorite, but she’s just a stuck-up, bossy phony. I don’t know why people think she’s hot. She’s gross. I totally disagree with my dad on that one. And her husband Jared is sure getting a lot of money from the Saudis, isn’t he? Talk about sketchy. It’s not ‘America First’ at all. I’m way different. When I do deals to make a lot of profits off of children’s cancer charities, I ONLY pick charities in America. That’s patriotism! And don’t even get me started on Don Jr.! Did you know he eats his scabs? He goes hunting a lot and gets a bunch of mosquito bites, and then he always picks them until they bleed. When they scab over, he picks those, too, and eats them! He says it’s what Green Berets do for protein and iron when they’re stranded in the wilderness behind enemy lines, but I don’t believe him. I also think he might be racist because he gets chegros a lot while hiking and camping, but he calls them ‘chiggers.’ I try to tell him that ‘chiggers’ is a derogatory slur, but he never listens. Unpresidential, if you ask me! The Woke people are not going to like finding out about that!”
Asked what kind of campaign platform he would be running on, Eric said he would be quite a different president than his Dad.
“You’d be surprised how much of my own man I am,” continued Eric. “To be honest, I don’t think my father’s presidency has been as effective as it could have been. He doesn’t really like to read, or listen to the advice of experts, or respect women. That last one is big difference between my father and me. I’ve just always thought my dad would have been more successful in life if he hadn’t disrespected and harassed…
