Member-only story
Eric Trump Is Launching A 2024 Presidential Campaign!
“I was first, so Don Jr. and Ivanka can suck it!”
The sibling rivalry between President Donald Trump’s oldest children is heating up as Eric Trump just announced his 2024 presidential candidacy.
Eric is the first Trump kid to officially launch a presidential campaign, though both Donald Jr. and Ivanka are rumored to be exploring future runs as well.
“I was first,” explained Eric in a brief press conference with reporters this morning. “So Don and Ivanka can suck it! I have dibs so they better back off. Ivanka thinks she should be the next president because she’s a girl and she’s our dad’s favorite, but she’s just a stuck-up, bossy phony. I don’t know why people think she’s hot. She’s gross. I totally disagree with my dad on that one. And her husband Jared is sure getting a lot of money from the Saudis, isn’t he? Talk about sketchy. It’s not ‘America First’ at all. I’m way different. When I do deals to make a lot of profits off of children’s cancer charities, I ONLY pick charities in America. That’s patriotism! And don’t even get me started on Don Jr.! Did you know he eats his scabs? He goes hunting a lot and gets a bunch of mosquito bites, and then he always picks them until they bleed. When they scab over, he picks those, too, and eats them! He says it’s what Green…
