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Aliens Just Landed On Earth, Donated $10 Billion In Asteroid Metals To Stop Republicans From Winning Congress
In a wild span of five minutes, advanced extra-terrestrial lifeforms landed in the White House Rose Garden, and dropped off approximately $10 billion worth of precious metals.
After depositing the small mountain of metals, one of the aliens gave a short speech in English in which it explained that the gift was to be used only for stopping Republicans from winning the House of Representatives and Senate.
The following is a transcript of the alien’s comments:
“Greetings, America. We have long been monitoring you from our planets, and your present course of linear existence is most unrecommendable. Your leaders called ‘Republicans’ are cosmically degenerate life forms, and on our planet such larval-minded entities would be exiled to the salt mines on Zenoquologar for the torturously monotonous drudgery their chemically unimpressive nucleic acids would be much better suited for. We would immensely enjoy enslaving them, but we are bound by strict laws set forth by a federation of Type III civilizations. Instead, we are offering you Earthlings called Americans this gift of valuable metals we mined from a nearby asteroid field in order to use the funds it procures for the express purpose of ensuring the electoral…
