An Earthquake Just Wrecked Steve Bannon’s “White Sperm Doomsday Vault”
After the failure of his fraudulent “Build the Wall” schemes, ethno-nationalist Steve Bannon has devoted much of the last two years to crowdsourcing a venture to stockpile reserve supplies of pure, racially white semen in a subterranean Alaskan “doomsday vault,” but the project has faced a huge setback in his dream of being the premier collector of white people’s semen in North America, though likely the entire world.
Due to unusually active tectonic plates along the northern Pacific coast, an earthquake shook the vault’s foundations and collapsed Bannon’s elaborate scaffolding storage system. Thousands of mason jars full of certified-white sperm shattered, spilling out an exhaustively curated collection intended to insure against Bannon’s biggest existential fear: a future dystopian threat to genetically pale skin.
The earthquake also broke the vault’s power generator, which shut down the refrigeration system and expired the expansive supply of spermatozoa.
“It was literally the biggest sucker-punch from life I’ve ever received,” Mr. Bannon said in an online video message to his semen contributors and investors. “We had just hit the milestone of capping and freezing our 10,000th mason jar of all-American caucasian sperm, and it was the accomplishment of my white nationalist career. On the outside our project may have seemed like me and my neo-Nazi collaborators around the world were just a bunch of lonely, unloved, racist betas getting together and circle-jerking in gregarious competitions to see who could climax the most prematurely, but we were all proud to serve the future Aryan kingdom we dreamed of calling Caucasia. Our group was like a modern Romulus and Remus success story of founding a future Rome, with our own little mythological world of mutual masturbation. Me and my cum crew may be single and divorced men who are disgruntledly undersexed, but that we could pull off this amazing achievement to preserve our god-like DNA coded for skin so majestically white that it’s susceptible to sunburning on a mid-February day is a testament to our racial strength and dedication to perfection. I guarantee that white people in the future will thank us. It just sucks that so many people call us racist, because our vision is way different than racism. We don’t hate Black people, Hispanics, Jews, or Asians, we don’t actually hate them at all. We just don’t want them to exist. It’s totally different. I don’t understand why they’re so offended by a future utopia without any of them, or their descendants, or anyone looking like them in it. It really hurts my feelings when people throw around the ‘R-word’ so casually, and we ethno-nationalists believe it’s impacting our ability to date women. In our doomsday scenario, women might finally raise their standards high enough to save sex for white crusader ethno-nationalist knights like us. But they better start doing it soon because we are so close to turning incel!”
During a follow-up Ask Me Anything event for Reddit, Mr. Bannon elaborated on the earthquake’s damage to his Alaskan underground vault:
“It was so gross. So. Gross. Our whole metal scaffolding system collapsed simultaneously as our refrigeration process suffered a blackout so that our thousands of mason jars shattered and thawed into globby puddles. Me and several volunteers tried to save as many mason jars as we could, but the damage was catastrophic. And the floors got super slippery so we kept tripping and skidding around in the slop, and dropping the few unbroken jars so that even the unharmed containers broke on the floor. All the glass shards everywhere cut up and shredded our clothes, and tore into our skin when we’d slip and slide around on the floor. In some rooms we were practically swimming in the mess. Aryan sperm was sneaking into every crevice of our bodies. Every crevice, if you catch my drift. I think I’m technically bisexual now because of it. If it hadn’t been so heart-breaking and painful to see the last two years of our exhaustive jerking-off spilled out and spoiling on the ground everywhere, it would have been a spectacular sight. Oh, to have been a sperm that day, free and mingling with trillions of other caucasian sperm cells in an ephemeral eden paradise of white-skinned DNA. I cried at least a dozen times, both from the beauty and the tragedy, though some of the tears likely were because of all the semen that was leaking into my swim goggles and burning my eyes. Although, I’ll tell you what, after that long, disgusting, grueling night of cleaning up the epic mess, my skin was so smooth when I showered the crusty coating all off. Maybe I should start commercializing some of our next batches as an Aryan skin cream rather than just stockpiling it all. It might be a lucrative way to raise money and support the project. I’ve definitely learned the lesson the hard way that I need to hire someone to be onsite full-time to be able to save some of the supply in the event of another environmental catastrophe. I can only get up to Alaska to check on things myself once every couple weeks, you know? Hmm, I’ll think about it. Well, gotta get back to work. Our sperm isn’t going to jerk itself back to 10,000 jars!”
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