An Earthquake Just Wrecked Steve Bannon’s “White Sperm Doomsday Vault”
After the failure of his fraudulent “Build the Wall” schemes, ethno-nationalist Steve Bannon has devoted much of the last two years to crowdsourcing a venture to stockpile reserve supplies of pure, racially white semen in a subterranean Alaskan “doomsday vault,” but the project has faced a huge setback in his dream of being the premier collector of white people’s semen in North America, though likely the entire world.
Due to unusually active tectonic plates along the northern Pacific coast, an earthquake shook the vault’s foundations and collapsed Bannon’s elaborate scaffolding storage system. Thousands of mason jars full of certified-white sperm shattered, spilling out an exhaustively curated collection intended to insure against Bannon’s biggest existential fear: a future dystopian threat to genetically pale skin.
The earthquake also broke the vault’s power generator, which shut down the refrigeration system and expired the expansive supply of spermatozoa.
“It was literally the biggest sucker-punch from life I’ve ever received,” Mr. Bannon said in an online video message to his semen contributors and investors. “We had just hit the milestone of capping and freezing our 10,000th mason jar of all-American caucasian sperm, and it was the accomplishment of my white nationalist…
