An Earthquake Just Wrecked Steve Bannon’s “White Sperm Doomsday Vault”

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readSep 30, 2022
Credit: Nordiske Mediedager | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

After the failure of his fraudulent “Build the Wall” schemes, ethno-nationalist Steve Bannon has devoted much of the last two years to crowdsourcing a venture to stockpile reserve supplies of pure, racially white semen in a subterranean Alaskan “doomsday vault,” but the project has faced a huge setback in his dream of being the premier collector of white people’s semen in North America, though likely the entire world.

Due to unusually active tectonic plates along the northern Pacific coast, an earthquake shook the vault’s foundations and collapsed Bannon’s elaborate scaffolding storage system. Thousands of mason jars full of certified-white sperm shattered, spilling out an exhaustively curated collection intended to insure against Bannon’s biggest existential fear: a future dystopian threat to genetically pale skin.

The earthquake also broke the vault’s power generator, which shut down the refrigeration system and expired the expansive supply of spermatozoa.

“It was literally the biggest sucker-punch from life I’ve ever received,” Mr. Bannon said in an online video message to his semen contributors and investors. “We had just hit the milestone of capping and freezing our 10,000th mason jar of all-American caucasian sperm, and it was the accomplishment of my white nationalist career. On the outside our project may have seemed like me and my neo-Nazi collaborators around the world were just a bunch of lonely, unloved, racist betas getting together and circle-jerking in gregarious competitions to see who could climax the most prematurely, but we were all proud to serve the future Aryan kingdom we dreamed of calling Caucasia. Our group was like a modern Romulus and Remus success story of founding a future Rome, with our own little mythological world of mutual masturbation. Me and my cum crew may be single and divorced men who are disgruntledly undersexed, but that we could pull off this amazing achievement to preserve our god-like DNA coded for skin so majestically white that it’s susceptible to sunburning on a mid-February day is a testament to our racial strength and dedication to perfection. I guarantee that white people in the future will thank us. It just sucks that so many people call us racist, because our vision is way different than racism. We don’t…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.