Liberal Man Turns 65, Decides He’s Old Enough Now To Become An Angry, Racist Republican
Local Atlanta man Al Portman just turned 65 years old today, and has committed himself to no longer being a compassionate liberal.
“They always say that people start off as bleeding heart liberals and become heartless conservatives as they age, and, now that I’m 65, I suppose it’s my turn to keep up this timeless tradition,” said Portman. “I figured it’s time for me to start being publicly angry at minorities, feminists, Muslims, Millennials, the volume of my neighbors’ music, diner waitresses, the endless new craft beer flavors, and all the novel technology that comes out from now until I die.”
To enact his lifestyle change, Portman plans to change his voting party affiliation and scrub his Facebook page of various posts he has published in recent years supporting issues like universal healthcare, $15 minimum wage increases, climate change action, Palestinian statehood, and gay marriage.
“It’s going to be a big change for my family,” Portman said, “And my kids don’t support it, but I’m sure those libtards will understand when they’re older. Right now I’m memorizing some airtight talking points I learned from an ultra-conservative talk radio host about how individual climate scientists are profiting more from the Chinese global warming hoax than international coal and oil companies ever have!”
Portman recently bought a rocking chair for his porch so he can sit outside and yell at local kids and dog-walkers to stay off his lawn, and turned all his televisions to Fox News before smashing the remote controls with a hammer so they can’t be changed to any other channel.
“I’m an absolute dick now, I love it!” he said. “A month ago I’d have hated the person I’m becoming, but the old me was a brainwashed, college-educated, elitist, socialist globalist! And maybe even Jewish, who knows? All my values are just so simple now that I’ve vowed to never think critically ever again. I’m never going to read a peer-reviewed study from so-called experts and doctors ever again. From now on, my Facebook feed and YouTube are all the science and medical knowledge that I need! Take that Fauci! Eat it, Bill Gates! George Soros can kiss my ass!”