THE GOP HATES WOMEN
Republicans don’t understand why women want to decide whether they can abort unviable pregnancies that will kill them.
Republicans across America have struggled to understand the political unpopularity of letting creepy old men like Lindsey Graham personally decide whether America’s women can abort unviable pregnancies that will kill them.
The following are the craziest things Republican members of Congress have said:
- Senator Ted Cruz (TX): “Humanity needs to be more like squirrels, if you ask me. Squirrel mommies stay at home and have lots of kids, no abortions, and they go with the flow when they have a kid. They just build their nest bigger for the squirrel pup. Yes, the squirrels really have a society we should emulate.”
- Representative Louie Gohmert (TX): “I am sick of hearing about the clitoris! It does. Not. Exist. I have looked everywhere on my body, and have yet to find the faintest trace of this alleged super erogenous zone the harlots are always yapping about. I did find another spot in the pursuit of my scientific endeavor to prove that enjoyment of sex is exclusive for men, and I get now what the gays are talking about in an understanding but still Biblically disapproving manner, but no clitoris! It does not exist, and neither does the female orgasm exist. Women are just being hysterical, like usual. Look, I don’t like being the one to discover objectively that women are liars, and just lower beings on God’s hierarchical totem pole of His Creation’s importance, but scientific proof is scientific proof. There is no clitoris anywhere in my taint!”
- Senator Lindsey Graham (SC): “I’m authoring a Senate bill right now to make a new Cabinet-level position in Donald Trump’s next administration called the ‘Department of Abortion,’ and Trump has already promised me the position in his next term. We Republicans will redesign the healthcare system to make every pregnant woman have to register their pregnancy with the Federal government within one week of conception so the government can monitor all potential abortions. We will organize a Kafkaesque bureaucratic process for women to request abortions with endless delays, mandates for signatures from officials in all different places, and…