THE GOP HATES WOMEN

Republicans Are Clueless About Women’s Anatomy

Republicans don’t understand why women want to decide whether they can abort unviable pregnancies that will kill them.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Republicans across America have struggled to understand the political unpopularity of letting creepy old men like Lindsey Graham personally decide whether America’s women can abort unviable pregnancies that will kill them.

The following are the craziest things Republican members of Congress have said:

• Senator Ted Cruz (TX): “Humanity needs to be more like squirrels, if you ask me. Squirrel mommies stay at home and have lots of kids, no abortions, and they go with the flow when they have a kid. They just build their nest bigger for the squirrel pup. Yes, the squirrels really have a society we should emulate.”
• Representative Louie Gohmert (TX): “I am sick of hearing about the clitoris! It does. Not. Exist. I have looked everywhere on my body, and have yet to find the faintest trace of this alleged super erogenous zone the harlots are always yapping about. I did find another spot in the pursuit of my scientific endeavor to prove that enjoyment of sex is exclusive for men, and I get now what the gays are talking about in an understanding but still Biblically disapproving manner, but no clitoris! It does not exist, and neither does the female orgasm exist. Women are just being hysterical, like usual. Look, I don’t like being the one to discover objectively that women are liars, and just lower beings on God’s hierarchical totem pole of His Creation’s importance, but scientific proof is scientific proof. There is no clitoris anywhere in my taint!”
• Senator Lindsey Graham (SC): “I’m authoring a Senate bill right now to make a new Cabinet-level position in Donald Trump’s next administration called the ‘Department of Abortion,’ and Trump has already promised me the position in his next term. We Republicans will redesign the healthcare system to make every pregnant woman have to register their pregnancy with the Federal government within one week of conception so the government can monitor all potential abortions. We will organize a Kafkaesque bureaucratic process for women to request abortions with endless delays, mandates for signatures from officials in all different places, and opaque legal applications that all end ultimately with our refusal. No abortions, no exceptions! Yep, that’s the GOP’s official position ahead of these midterm elections. I’ll get a giant stamp that says ‘DENIED’ and lots of red ink, and personally stamp all the applications myself. I want the election to be a referendum on our gutting of Roe V. Wade! And if you think our abortion policies will be awesome, just wait until you hear what Stephen Miller is cooking up for when Trump gives him a ‘Secretary of The Border’ position. I’ll give you a hint. Think Josef Mengele and Human Centipedes.”
• Representative Dusty “Red” Howell (GA): “Women’s bodies are very special, and, biologically, they can’t actually get pregnant except when God wills it. God smites the sperm he does not intend to be procreative, and only a handful of men’s sperm throughout their lives are blessed and anointed with the DNA of the Holy Ghost to defeat the hordes of Satanic sperm and win the race to the few anointed eggs in women’s wombs. Oh, yes, within the gametes of all of us are ceaseless volleys of war and destruction in the epic battle between Good and Evil. This is a medical and biological reality. I’ve seen it on a microscope. So women should just chill out. Besides, any day now, Jesus Christ is going to return, so women’s future lives don’t matter. Jesus will take us all to Heaven, except the abortionist Democrats. The Democrats are godless marxists for trying to plan for the future. Jesus is 100% coming back in 2024 when Donald Trump wins the election. Or loses by millions. No matter what, Donald Trump will really win. And then Jesus will come down and send all the Democrats to Hell, where endless ghosts of the babies they aborted will finally get revenge by drinking all the Democrats’ blood for a change!”
• Representative Tom Broadenson (UT): “Global warming is a hoax by the liberal elites. I don’t know why our water sources are drying up and we’re suffering more frequent droughts, but it’s definitely not all the burning of fossil fuels. I suspect women’s period blood is the culprit. Women all around the world can’t flush down all that uterine blood every day for centuries, and expect longterm pollutionary effects to not slowly build up affecting even the climates of the Earth!”
• Senator Ron Johnson (WI): “I survived six abortions. But thankfully God’s plan to make me a senator so I could help Donald Trump turn America into a fascist authoritarian state of Christian ethno-nationalism wasn’t corrupted by my devil mother!”

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