BIBLICALLY AWKWARD!
Joel Osteen Says He Has Never Heard Of Camels And Needles
Joel Osteen is one of the richest televangelists in the world, and his net worth is approximately $100 million.
Osteen subscribes to the prosperity gospel, a theological philosophy which argues that Jesus was confused when He said all that stuff about money changers, the rich not getting into Heaven, and how hoarding wealth is Satanic.
Osteen raised these topics in a recent magazine interview in which he was surprised to learn from the interviewer that Jesus once said it was harder for rich people to get into Heaven than it was for a camel to get through the eye of a needle.
“Are you sure that part is in the Bible?” asked Osteen. “I don’t remember it at all. I don’t usually preach about the details of the things Jesus said, so my memory gets a little foggy sometimes, but I think I would have remembered something so vivid as that. It just doesn’t sound like Jesus to me. The Jesus stories that stand out the most in my head are when Jesus turned the jug of water into a jug of gold coins, and made it rain, like the young kids say, on all his Disciples. I love that part. And the story of when Jesus had only three loaves of bread, but he multiplied them into dozens and dozens of solid gold bars that He and the Disciples sold in the market for massive feasts. It’s stories like that that I’ve always taken to heart. Jesus was just so good with money, you know? And of course the stories are always metaphorical. A lot of people will read the Bible and take what Jesus said literally, but that’s a mistake because Jesus always spoke in metaphors. So when Jesus talks about sharing our wealth with the less unfortunate around us, Jesus never meant for that to be taken literally. Jesus’s point was that in Heaven everyone will be rich, so don’t worry about helping the unfortunate here on Earth. In that instance, Jesus was metaphorically teaching us a lesson about not worrying about inequality in this lifetime. It really takes a bit of educated thinking and theological context that most people are not capable of to accurately interpret Jesus’s words about money, wealth, and prosperity.”
The interviewer then asked Osteen if he thought his ministry was behaving in a Christian manner during the COVID years when he infamously rebelled against the COVID quarantine orders, and called for his cash-strapped, unemployed congregants to continue donating to his church regardless of their COVID-related economic hardships.
“Of course I’ve always behaved like a Christian,” snapped Osteen. “When Jesus went to the money changers in the Temple in Jerusalem, did he knock over tables or make a big ruckus? Of course he didn’t! He took a cut of their profits, and demanded they tithe 10%! I’m doing exactly what Jesus did! I’m not collecting all this money from my congregants because I personally want to add new wings to my giant mansion, or buy new sports cars and private airplanes, or add to my collection of priceless, homoerotic Medieval art, or hire new hot pool boys from South East Asia to my servant staff, or continue getting my weekly plastic surgeries… I’m doing all that because Jesus wants me to. Jesus is a very understanding savior, you know? My conspicuous consumption is about only one thing: honoring Jesus. I’m proving to all the atheists, Jews, and Muslims that faith in Jesus is enriching both morally and fiscally. That’s why I customized my credit card to have a picture of Jesus. I like to be reminded of Jesus every time I buy a $10,000 bottle of wine, or I import a one-of-a-kind Swiss watch, or I buy a new, state-of-the-art, totally life-like sex doll from Japan. Some of the things I buy each day costs more than a middle class family’s annual income, and with my credit card I’m always making sure I’m flaunting Jesus just as much as I’m flaunting my harem of robotic sex dolls. I love being reminded of Jesus in my every day life. I even originally wanted to name my ministry after Jesus, but then I realized that for branding purposes I should really be promoting myself for better name recognition and church marketing. One thing Jesus really preached about was good branding. And I think Jesus is happy taking a supporting role behind me. Sure, Jesus did a bunch of great things for humanity, like die for our sins or whatever, but I’m the one up on stage every Sunday morning, you know? Jesus wants me to be a star. Jesus helps out when He can, but Jesus understands how much hard work getting my net worth to 9 digits has been. Besides, it’s not like Jesus can ride on any of my private planes, or hang out at my massive mansion. He’s metaphysical, so He could never really enjoy my luxuries like I can. And Jesus really appreciates how I’m giving back to the economy by spending so much money in ways that at face value may seem frivolous. You know how much sales tax I pay every day? But Jesus is 100% behind me. In many ways I’m exactly like Jesus. I’m basically crucifying my wallet on a daily basis for things like the planes, the sports cars, and the Japanese sex dolls. And the sex dolls are not cheap. You really have to pay top dollar to get one with a silicone vagina that self-lubricates, and even warms itself. Jesus would never want me to fuck a dry, cold sex doll. And just like Jesus’s messages of equality and love for all races on Earth, I’ve made sure to get sex dolls in every available skin color. This is why I get so upset when people act like my immense personal wealth is some kind of Christian heresy. I always make sure that my wealth glorifies Jesus and His love for all mankind. I totally believe in racial equality, and I put my money, and my penis, where my mouth is. Wait, that sounded bad, but you know what I mean.”
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