NEW OBSTRUCTIONIST NEEDED!

HELP WANTED: Join Donald Trump’s Legal Team Today!

Here’s how to apply!

(Official White House Photo (cropped) by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)

JOB DESCRIPTION

The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct an ongoing criminal investigation for espionage!

Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has high turnover. MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive nondisclosure agreement.

QUALIFICATIONS

• Previous on-air experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
• Blondes strongly preferred, an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment
• Breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants)
• Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team)
• Wide knowledge of fast food menus from KFC and McDonalds
• Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say
• Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging toilets!

RESPONSIBILITIES

• Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes
• Flush all memos and handwritten notes from FPOTUS
• Clean ketchup off walls and sweep up broken plate shards
• Schedule and facilitate calls for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, as well as conduct follow-up calls yourself clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
• Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege”
• Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress
• Enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours
• Stand in the middle of the room during meetings with Steve Bannon so his homeless-adjacent stench gets on you instead of FPOTUS
• Search for dirt on Joe Biden and Ron DeSantis during slow days
• Follow Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, and Melania Trump around town, and investigate any clues they might be trying to turn state’s witness against FPOTUS
• Try not to ever mention windmills, the water pressure, Obama, Georgia, Arizona, or Eric Trump when FPOTUS is around

BENEFITS

• Working for the greatest president in US history who has been treated more unfairly than every other president combined despite the fact that he accomplished more than all the others, and there was no Russian collusion, no quid pro quo, and he won more votes than any president before him but the evil, totally corrupt Democrats perpetrated the two impeachment hoaxes and stole the election and gave it to the biggest enemy of the people ever, Joe Biden, who is totally brain dead and has been more terrible than anyone could ever believe, and is ruining America so much it’s a disgrace, and he’s perpetrating the worst assault on America in history by raiding Mar-a-Lago and even Melania’s bedroom, and planting all the documents that were declassified by me anyway and everyone remembers I declassified them, and the FBI is guilty of the worst Election Rigging Scam and state-sanctioned burglary maybe of all time REDO THE ELECTION!
• Payday in “two weeks”
• Proximity to classified and top secret documents (while supplies and FBI ignorance last)
• Casual appraisals of your physical appearance daily by the former host of the Miss Universe pageants
• If FPOTUS wants to make a move on you he’ll take you out furniture shopping
• Complimentary Adderall

TO APPLY

• Cover letter must be no more than two paragraphs. Including FPOTUS’s name in every sentence is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED.
• Letters of recommendation from dictators are quite welcome!
• Pay a $50 application fee to Trump’s superPAC, a $50 resumé reading fee, and a $50 nondisclosure agreement filing fee.
• Bring an 18-pack of Diet Coke cans to the interview
• Join Truth Social, and post five truths accusing Ron DeSantis of rigging the 2024 primary against Donald Trump
• Write and send a letter to NBCUniversal at the end of your interview while being monitored telling them that you’ll cancel your Peacock subscription unless they produce another season of The Apprentice

We look forward* to meeting you.

*No fuglies

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