NEW OBSTRUCTIONIST NEEDED!
HELP WANTED: Join Donald Trump’s Legal Team Today!
Here’s how to apply!
3 min readSep 13, 2022
JOB DESCRIPTION
The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct an ongoing criminal investigation for espionage!
Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has high turnover. MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive nondisclosure agreement.
QUALIFICATIONS
- Previous on-air experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
- Blondes strongly preferred, an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment
- Breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants)
- Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team)
- Wide knowledge of fast food menus from KFC and McDonalds
- Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say
- Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging toilets!