NEW OBSTRUCTIONIST NEEDED!
HELP WANTED: Join Donald Trump’s Legal Team Today!
The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct an ongoing criminal investigation for espionage!
Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has high turnover. MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive nondisclosure agreement.
- Previous on-air experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
- Blondes strongly preferred, an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment
- Breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants)
- Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team)
- Wide knowledge of fast food menus from KFC and McDonalds
- Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say
- Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging toilets!
- Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes
- Flush all memos and handwritten notes from FPOTUS
- Clean ketchup off walls and sweep up broken plate shards
- Schedule and facilitate calls for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, as well as conduct follow-up calls yourself clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
- Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege”
- Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress
- Enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours
- Stand in the middle of the room during meetings with Steve…