HELP WANTED: Join Donald Trump’s Legal Team Today!

Here’s how to apply!

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readSep 13, 2022


(Official White House Photo (cropped) by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)


The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct an ongoing criminal investigation for espionage!

Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has high turnover. MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive nondisclosure agreement.


  • Previous on-air experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
  • Blondes strongly preferred, an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment
  • Breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants)
  • Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team)
  • Wide knowledge of fast food menus from KFC and McDonalds
  • Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say
  • Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging toilets!


  • Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes
  • Flush all memos and handwritten notes from FPOTUS
  • Clean ketchup off walls and sweep up broken plate shards
  • Schedule and facilitate calls for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, as well as conduct follow-up calls yourself clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
  • Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege”
  • Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress
  • Enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours
  • Stand in the middle of the room during meetings with Steve…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.