NEW OBSTRUCTIONIST NEEDED!

HELP WANTED: Join Donald Trump’s Legal Team Today!

Here’s how to apply!

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readSep 13, 2022

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(Official White House Photo (cropped) by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)

JOB DESCRIPTION

The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct an ongoing criminal investigation for espionage!

Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has high turnover. MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive nondisclosure agreement.

QUALIFICATIONS

  • Previous on-air experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
  • Blondes strongly preferred, an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment
  • Breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants)
  • Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team)
  • Wide knowledge of fast food menus from KFC and McDonalds
  • Must have a good memory because we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do or say
  • Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging toilets!

RESPONSIBILITIES

  • Fetch FPOTUS a can of Diet Coke every 37 minutes
  • Flush all memos and handwritten notes from FPOTUS
  • Clean ketchup off walls and sweep up broken plate shards
  • Schedule and facilitate calls for FPOTUS with various prosecutors in several federal jurisdictions and state governments, as well as conduct follow-up calls yourself clarifying that FPOTUS’s statements were neither threats nor attempted witness tampering
  • Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “attorney-client privilege”
  • Coordinate legal strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress
  • Enforce a two-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours
  • Stand in the middle of the room during meetings with Steve…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.