The Worst Things Trump Has Made Kevin McCarthy Do

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJul 24, 2022
Photo by Gage Skidmore

Kevin McCarthy is so desperate to become Speaker of the House that he has put up with an endless array of insults and hazing from Donald Trump, who is reportedly disgusted by how much of a yes man McCarthy has become.

The following are the worst things Trump has made McCarthy do in order to continue having his support:

  • Spend a weekend walking around Mar-a-Lago wearing nothing but a diaper, and not changing that diaper from Friday morning to Sunday evening
  • Get a small tattoo of Trump’s face on his butt
  • Contract pink eye after sleeping on a pillow that Trump, Lindsey Graham, and Jim Jordan all took turns farting on
  • Co-sign on several bank loans Trump took out and didn’t pay a penny back on
  • Go on an odyssey to Moscow and find a bottle of “golden shower” from Vladimir Putin himself, and bring it back
  • Drink an old, expired bottle of Trump vodka until he threw up
  • Let Eric and Don Jr. shoot him with a BB gun
  • Let Trump hit him several times with a golf club
  • Play two rounds of Russian roulette
  • Give Trump a 10% “MAGA fee” of all campaign donations he gets for the rest of his political career
  • Follow Melania around for a week to see what she’s doing and where she goes when Trump is away golfing all the time
  • Go to Barron’s bring-your-dad-to-school-day for him
  • Be a drug mule to sneak some Mexican Adderalls over the border to Mar-a-Lago
  • Call Eric every morning at 7am to tell him that Trump thinks he’s a regret
  • Submit a House bill asking Congress to adopt a resolution to “formally recognize Kevin McCarthy is a bitch.”
  • Give Trump a back massage with ketchup as the massage oil and to “not be afraid to go too low.”
  • Send a dick pic to Ivanka
  • Give Trump some of his hair to stitch into the weird, horrifying combover concoction Trump wants us to believe is his natural hair
  • Put on an Obama mask, get locked into a dog kennel, and let Trump pour Diet Coke cans all over him and then push…
Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.