Rudy Giuliani Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens “Again”

Photo (cropped) by Gage Skidmore

After a mysterious absence for several days in which he missed multiple scheduled Fox News appearances, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani has returned with wild claims about being abducted by aliens that implied it wasn’t his first time.

Mr. Giuliani described his alleged abduction in an interview with Sean Hannity of Fox News.

“This time was a little different than the first time!” exclaimed Giuliani. “They still took me aboard their ship and did all kinds of medical testing on me with robotic machinery, but this time they put some type of probe in me. They showed it to me first, and it had all kinds of bells and whistles. Then they jammed it deep inside my anus! At first I thought it might be the Russians trying to get some kind of kompromat video of me like they got Trump — you know, that’s pretty standard operating procedure for the Russians — but I started getting suspicious because the Russians have several of those tapes of me already, and, trust me, I don’t think they could possibly think up any more embarrassing footage of me than the tape they got of me the last time. The Russians have nothing to worry about from me, I can guarantee it. I do not want that video getting out in the public. Let’s just say you’d never be able to picture America’s Mayor again without thinking about me wriggling around naked on a tarp in an absurd quantity of Vaseline… oops, I’ve said too much already. I had a couple scotches on my way to the Fox studio, so my inhibitions are a little low at the moment. So, anyway, I asked myself, if not the Russians, what government could they possibly be working for? But then the beings finally showed their faces, and I could see they weren’t human at all! They had grey skin, and very elongated bodies. Their noses were just slits on their faces, and they had big, disproportionate eyes!”

Rudy was wide-eyed himself, and gesturing wildly with his arms.

“One of them pleasured me sexually for a deposit before explaining to me in an oddly accented English that Donald Trump was a threat to our planet’s space-time continuum, and that I should cease all associations with him. I wish I could figure out what this coded alien message they were trying to pass on to me meant. Are they saying I should go to Pennsylvania and launch more frivolous lawsuits…