Things Trump Has Stained With Ketchup Other Than The White House Walls

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJul 4, 2022
(Official White House Photo by Tia Dufour listed as Public Domain CC 1.0)

The following are all objects, foods, and people on which Donald Trump has indulged himself smearing with ketchup at one moment or another:

  • Every wall in the White House
  • Every wall in Mar-a-Lago
  • Virtually every square inch of his childhood bedroom
  • The Secret Service agent who refused to drive him to Congress to join the January 6th insurrection coup
  • The White House lawyers who took his cell phone away on January 6th so he couldn’t tweet out “I demand the hanging of Mike Pence #MAGA”
  • Well-done steak
  • Well-done hotdogs
  • Well-done salmon filets
  • Well-done sushi stuffed with cream cheese after it was deep-fried in tempura batter.
  • Caesar salads
  • Eric and Don Jr. on a weekly basis to show them very graphically he wishes he had aborted them
  • Sunburned skin to revitalize and nourish the damaged cells
  • On hot summer days he’ll put a bottle of ketchup in the freezer and when it’s cold he’ll smear it all over his naked body to cool off
  • His bald head to stimulate hair growth
  • In his nostrils to pretend he had a bloody nose to get out of gym class in middle school and high school because the pull-up bar was “rigged against him”
  • The official White House portrait of Barack Obama
  • One of the original manuscript copies of the US Constitution
  • Mike Pence’s Bible one day when Trump got fed up after Pence kept trying to read Jesus quotes out loud
  • Kevin McCarthy every time he comes to Mar-a-Lago and begs for forgiveness when a recorded call gets leaked showing McCarthy was calling for Trump’s impeachment after January 6th
  • He makes ketchup facial masks at night
  • Every shirt and pair of pants he has ever owned
  • Russian hookers
  • A lot of pornography magazines through the 70s and 80s
  • Any New York Times newspaper page that showed polls suggesting his GOP primary…
Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.