Thoughts And Prayers Are Dead, And Republicans Killed Them

America’s school children are offered in sacrifice to the gun lobby’s god, Moloch.

Dash MacIntyre
5 min readMay 29


Photo by Chris Liverani on Unsplash

The US is so numb to chronic mass shootings that only double-digit murders break through the national news cycle anymore.

While obstructing the most basic gun control reforms, Republicans offer only their thoughts and prayers. Which has done, currently does, and will do absolutely nothing for our epidemic of carnage. God helps those who help themselves, and Republicans are not helping.

Copying and pasting their sympathies on Twitter is less than nothing when the mass shootings just don’t stop. Existentialist philosophy posits that our words are meaningless, and the only thing that matters is action. We are not what we say we are, we are only what we do. And Republicans do nothing.

They’ll deny it, but their actions suggest they don’t mind dead children. They don’t mind elementary schools being shot up. Or movie theaters, churches, concerts, dance clubs, grocery stores, campaign events, and really any other public place. If they minded, they’d do more than just think and pray. They’d do more than nothing.

So allow me to share some Dada news updates about Republicans’ love affair with guns and mass shootings because it does not deserve real journalistic respect. As always with satire I post on Twitter on The Halfway Post, these all are at least halfway true:

  • A majority of House members, including a majority of Republicans, say they’re uncomfortable around Lauren Boebert, and are convinced she’ll someday bring a gun onto the House floor to threaten people.
  • 7 GOP candidates for Congress accidentally shot themselves this election cycle while filming campaign videos of themselves holding guns.
  • A pregnant Republican House member just had an elective surgery to implant a mini AR-15 in her uterus so the sonogram of her fetus would show off her gun fetish.
  • Texas Governor Greg Abbott just accidentally admitted on a hot mic that the state’s loose gun laws are designed to get enough Texans killed for the energy grid to stop collapsing in winter.



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.