Miracle! Thanks To Good Guys With Guns, Only 37 People Died In Crossfire

Photo by Maurício Mascaro

America has had yet another mass shooting in a church, this time in a suburb outside of Boise, Idaho.

“It was a miracle!” claimed Cynthia Portman, 53, “My husband was one of the good guys with a gun, and thanks to him and the other heroes in our congregation, our church was saved. Thirty-seven churchgoers were killed in the ensuing shootout, and dozens more wounded, but who knows how many people would have been in danger if there weren’t several guns in church!”

One of the good guys with guns, Randall Meeker, 51, recounted his recollection of the event.

“So this sketchy looking dude came walking into the church, and I’m always hyper-aware of threats because I like to periodically do ocular pat-downs of all the people around me,” Meeker explained. “So I assessed the situation, pulled out my two pistols, and started blazing to protect the people around me! He started hiding behind the back pew so I had to run for cover myself on the far end of the church, but of course I was laying down suppressing fire over my shoulder the whole time. I’m not sure if the sketchy dude was using people’s bodies as a shield or whatnot, but I know a lot of community members got hit. But the collateral damage is all that guy’s fault, not mine! Good guys with guns ought to get the same legal protections from liability, no matter how negligent they are, like cops!”

Another church member shared her perspective on the shooting.

“Well it turns out that the guy Randall was shooting at was just an African-American friend of another church member, who happened to be visiting family in town and thought he’d check out our church,” revealed Karen Gommerling, 33. “Apparently he wasn’t holding a gun at all, but was just checking his wallet to check for cash to contribute to the service’s collection. So, when all of a sudden Randall got up and started shooting everywhere, a guy a couple rows away from me got up and whipped out his gun and started firing at Randall, who suddenly looked like a bad guy with a gun. But then I got hit by a bullet in the shoulder when some man several rows behind us started shooting as well to try and be a hero himself. While I was on the ground I heard someone start firing an AR-15! I don’t even know how they snuck that one in the church, because it’s enforced as a gun-free zone. But the church service was like a free-for-all because no one knew what was happening, and no one knew who the bad guy with the gun was, particularly because there wasn’t actually a bad guy with a gun at all. Just a whole bunch of stupid guys with guns!”

Mr. Meeker, however, is adamant that he saved the church whether the community gives him credit or not. He’s also really pissed that the local sheriff arrested him for dozens of counts of manslaughter and domestic terrorism. The sheriff is still investigating to see if a hate crime charge can be added.

“That Black man could have been anyone!” Meeker said, “even a mass murderer! If the libs had their way, our church would have been totally undefended. We could have all been murdered! It’s just coincidence that this one time the sketchy looking Black guy was innocent. The libs better not use this as a pretext to pass into law any new gun control laws! The only way America will be safe from gun violence is if everyone has guns. And if anyone tries to take my guns away, there’s gonna be a whole lot of gun violence, I can promise you that! But this is not a threat, so don’t go to the cops to write me up for a red flag violation. I’m totally safe, trustworthy, and responsible with my guns. But if anyone does anything to infringe upon my gun rights, I’ll kill them!”

[Originally published in my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!]