THE GREAT LITERARY DEBATE

Can Republicans Write Good Books?

Photo by Vlada Karpovich

You be the judge based on the titles of the following upcoming memoirs written by noteworthy Republican officials:

• Josh Hawley — Beating Off Satan: How To Defeat Masturbation And Live A Christian Life
• Ivanka Trump — A Woman In Business: How I Rose Above Pervasive Sexual Harassment In My Dad’s Company
• Kevin McCarthy — Speaker Of The House [Abandoned project because he only wrote two chapters before getting voted out of his speakership]
• Matt Gaetz — Me & Nestor: Setting The Record Straight On Why My Adopting Him Wasn’t Weird At All
• Ted Cruz — Texas Hold ’Em [A rip-off of the show House of Cards featuring a protagonist very much like himself who engineers his way to the presidency with a gratuitous amount of cheating on his wife]
• Nikki Haley — How I’m Different But Also The Same As Donald Trump
• Donald Trump Jr. — I Love You, Dad: A Memoir On Ways My Dad Showed He Loved Me, Even If He Never Said It
• Eric Trump — The Art Of The Deal: Children’s Cancer Charity Edition
• Kimberly Guilfoyle: The Real Housewives Of Benito Mussolini’s Dictatorship
• Elaine Chao — Senate Kama Sutra: 12 Illustrated Tantric Lessons I Learned On Erotic Passion With My Magnificent Lover, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
• Mike Pence — Hanging WITH Mike Pence: An Inside Look At The Former Vice President’s Life
• Mike Lindell — Irrefutable Proof The Election Was Rigged [Originally slated for release in March 2021, then delayed until September 2021, then January 1st 2022, then July 4th 2022, then January 1st 2023, and now slated for release in October 2024]
• Rudy Giuliani — Scotch, A Lawyer’s Best Friend: Prose Poems About being Donald Trump’s Lawyer, My Alien Abductions, And The Joy Of Putting One’s Hand In His Pants
• Jared Kushner — The Mozart Of Laundering Saudi Blood Money
• Mitch McConnell — The Complete Field Guide On Freshwater Turtles Of Eastern Kentucky
• Sarah Huckabee Sanders — Great Lecterns: A Coffee Table Book On Lecterns I Definitely Didn’t Use To Launder Money To My Corrupt Friends
• Lindsey Graham — How I’d Kill Ted Cruz And Get Away With It If I Wanted To
• Melania Trump — Becoming Melania [Not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s book titled Becoming]
• Elizabeth Markowitz, former White House Executive Chef for Donald Trump — The Art Of The Meal: An Unauthorized Tell-All About Our Former President’s Most Disturbing Eating Habits
• Stephen Miller — Homemade Taxidermy: A Complete Guide On Killing, Gutting, Skinning, Stuffing, And Displaying Various Animals
• Paul Ryan — Jellyfish: The Wisdom Of Nature’s Spineless Beauties
• Barron Trump — Damning Secrets About My Dad My Mom Told Me In Case I’m Left Out Of His Will [Publication date pending]

Check out my brand new poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available now on Amazon.

Follow me on Twitter, Threads, Spoutible, or Post.News to interrupt your daily doomscrolling with Dada news, and follow me here on Medium for more of my comedy or become a Medium member to support me and your other favorite writers.

Also check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

And check out my comedy portfolio, my Dada news portfolio, and my portfolio of prose poems.