VP Ideas For Trump In Case He Decides To Hang JD Vance
Trump is famously tickled by mobs of his supporters threatening his VP
6 min readFeb 5, 2025
The following are Donald Trump’s personal notes for other potential vice presidents:
Governor Ron DeSantis
Pros:
- He was second place in the GOP primary
- He banned reading books in Florida, so he won’t ever tattle on me for never reading security briefings
- His wife is a 10 [Check if she needs any furniture shopping to do.]
- He’s so weird and awkward… I’ll look better and more normal when I’m standing next to him onstage
Cons:
- He said some not so nice things about me in the primary. I wonder how much he’d grovel if I make him beg me for forgiveness. Would he willingly spend all day in the dog kennel like Ted, Lindsey, and Kevin all did? *REMINDER: Get kennel out for the next time Mike Johnson visits
- He’s really obsessed with Disney — I think Freud would say he’s got a conspicuous sexual hangup over Mickey Mouse (But I’m into Ivanka, so I suppose we all have our own idiosyncrasies)
- I’ll always have to check his fingers for pudding smears before I shake his hand
- I mean, is he just not capable of smiling or laughing like he’s not some weird robot from an alien planet observing humans for the very first time? (He’s not a reptilian, is he? REMINDER: Text Alex Jones to stalk Ron and find out if he’s a shapeshifter)
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem
Pros:
- Good looking, straight out of Central Casting
- Her South Dakota story is a nice contrast with my nepo baby Manhattan skyline story
- Being former governor of South Dakota, maybe she could help get me on Mt. Rushmore (Tell her to scratch off Lincoln — I deserve it more!)
- Maybe she could convince all the Sturgis motorcycle bikers to help do the next coup if I lose another election
Cons:
- She’s maybe too ambitious — I don’t like ambitious women (But she’s way better than “Nasty Nikki”)
- Will I have to go to South Dakota? Yuck! Does Diet Coke even deliver out there? (And she loves motorcycles… riding one would ruin my hair, likely forever!)
- She has crazy eyes — they’re way too bright when I’m binging hard on my Adderall sniffies
- People say she had an affair with Corey Lewandowski — major ick!
- She bragged in her book about shooting a puppy, and people really seem to not like violence against puppies
Tech Bro Vivek Ramaswamy
Pros:
- Creepily intense like Stephen Miller, with a fresh new take on the Nazi kind of vibe — he kind of seems, like Stephen, like he has killed someone before
- He really hates the FBI, and most of the rest of the government — he’ll definitely help me pull off another January 6th unlike pussy Mike Pence… if Vivek doesn’t hang me before my people get him!
- He never attacked me in the primary, so he can be extremely loyal — but does he kind of reek of opportunism?
- He’ll undercut the Democratic argument that I’m racist, and give me cover for all my dog-whistling
Cons:
- He’s an immigrant from a brown country (and one of the s***hole-ier ones)
- Too ambitious? (Would he kill me to take my spot as president? Maybe I should have the Proud Boys preemptively hang him sometime in the first year of the term — then replace him with Ivanka! And bring sex-appeal back in the White House *REMINDER: Ignore the lawyers this time and institute a “Casual Fridays” dress code policy at the White House in the next term so all the other ladies show a little more skin!)
- He can really get a crowd going… but maybe too well? (I definitely do not want anyone who’ll ever upstage me for even a second)
- His style of talking and speechifying is like a younger, more energetic Ted Cruz — major ick!
Senator Tim Scott
Pros:
- During the campaign he showed some very impressive talent changing the subject to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris any time he was asked about my fraud, tax evasion, sexual assault lawsuits, or treason
- All the “Blacks 4 Trump” groups might finally sign up their first Black members who we don’t have to pay $50 an hour to come to my rallies (Gotta really get serious about saving money — all the lawsuits and prosecutions bled me dry!)
- I can get away with hiring only white people for the rest of my cabinet if I have a Black VP
- I can give myself credit for ending racism when Obama couldn’t — Donald J. Trump: “the better emancipator than Lincoln!”
Cons:
- The Nazis are not going to like me picking a Black VP (And Nick Fuentes is such a charming dinner guest — though if it means Steve Bannon doesn’t come around anymore and leave his stench that lingers on my furniture for days afterwards maybe it would be a worthwhile tradeoff?)
- MAGA fans might accuse me of turning Woke — what if Ron DeSantis bans me from Florida and I can’t go to Mar-a-Lago?!
- He’s a little too Christian (Christians just give me the creeps. Mike Pence was so cringey about the God stuff. I can’t do another four years of that!)
- He’s from South Carolina — after Jeff Sessions I vowed to have as few marble-mouth Southerners hanging around me as possible!
Former Representative Tulsi Gabbard
Pros:
- My genius and sexual magnetism have made her renounce her former Democratic identity — great talking point!
- I could do some locker room talk about her, if you know what I mean
- She seems pretty laissez-faire with Putin, NATO, and isolationism so she’ll be less likely to tattle on me for selling classified secrets to other countries in exchange for them hosting big events at Mar-a-Lago and my golf courses
- Boobs
Cons:
- She’s young enough to still be menstruating, and once a month turn into a nasty demon lady bleeding out of her wherever
- She’s ideologically all over the place, and I have no idea what she really thinks about stuff — if she won’t commit to a political party, will she commit to me? (Maybe she’d make a good press secretary?)
- Ivanka would get totally jealous if I don’t let her be the first female vice president.
- Is she close enough to Putin that she’d go behind my back and collude with him for herself? I definitely don’t want her getting her hands on the pee tape or any of the other blackmail videos the Russians have!
Media Personality Tucker Carlson
Pros:
- He’s even more pro-Putin and isolationist than me — he won’t nag me when I pull the US out of NATO and the United Nations
- He was fired from Fox, and Putin just insulted him and his interviewing skills, so Tucker has really been knocked down a few pegs — he showed how submissive he is in the interview with Putin! — so he needs me more than I need him!
- He has a huge audience of racists I need to keep engaged and enthusiastic if I’m going to win a third presidential term.
- He’s actually a nepo baby New Yorker so he’ll be easier to talk to and hang with (I’m sick of dealing with so many rural governors and members of Congress from s***hole states like Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, and Alabama!)
Cons:
- He may be better than me on TV, and better at keeping an audience because he stays scripted and doesn’t go on long, ranting diatribes against inanimate objects and haters like is my specialty
- He’s kind of actually in danger of approaching “washed-up” status after having been fired from all the cable news networks
- His firing from Fox News was real fast and sudden, so his text messages and emails put into evidence from the voting machine lawsuits must have had some crazy s*** in them — total red flag!
- He’s as sociopathic as me — I could never trust him, and would have to spend the entire term looking over my shoulders! 🥃
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