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Trump Wants To Rename New Mexico as “New America”

And this week’s other Dada News headlines!

The flag of New Mexico… in case you’re not a fan of flags.

• Trump just demanded that Republicans rename the state of New Mexico as “New America.”
• Hundreds of biographies on President Warren Harding have reportedly been mailed to Melania Trump in the hopes she’ll read one and be inspired by the parts addressing the rumors that Harding’s wife poisoned him.
• Six months after its launch, the dating site for conservative gun owners called “Red Flags” still has no women signed up other than Lauren Boebert.
• Fox News hosts are mad today that President Biden reminded Americans to check the batteries in their fire alarms, with host Don Brockert shouting, “Don’t let the government tell you what to do!”
• Marjorie Taylor Greene and Mike Johnson argued with each other today over whether God wanted Johnson to be Speaker of the House, with Greene saying God told her it was time for him to resign from Congress, and Johnson saying God told him Greene was a “hussy.”
• The porn-monitoring app that Speaker Mike Johnson uses with his son to alert each other when they look at pornography just overtook Grindr as the #1 gay hookup app, with several users comparing its functionality to “putting out a Bat-Signal” every time they’re horny.
• A GOP state party chair says his claim that “Satanist feminists are boycotting sex until Republicans die out so they can convert the US at vaginal gunpoint into a fascist, matriarchal triumvirate of Beyoncé, Michelle Obama, and Oprah” was taken out of context.
• Trump reportedly interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-a-Lago tonight and said, “This is going to really surprise all of you, but my Obamacare replacement plan is maybe not totally finished yet.”
• House Republicans just started a support group for members of Congress whose Millennial and Gen Z children are calling them bigots, hypocrites, cultural dinosaurs, Karens, and “OK, Boomer.”
• The American Transgender Alliance has named Matt Gaetz its “2024 Honorary Trans Hero” saying that his facial plastic surgery work and excessive makeup use at the GOP convention and his new OAN show have made him a “poster boy of gender-affirming care.”
• RFK Jr. reportedly told Mitch McConnell he “may or may not” have a decapitated Galápagos tortoise’s head he’d sell for the right price.
• Trump says he will make the children of America rich and happy by “cutting the red tape on child labor rights,” and giving teens and children aged ten and up all the agricultural, meat-processing, construction, and landscaping jobs left behind by deported immigrants.
• Nancy Mace says she “totally forgot” about doing her anti-trans bathroom protesting for the last two weeks.
• Rudy Giuliani was reportedly wearing shorts while golfing with Trump today, and black streaks were observed running down his legs leading several eyewitnesses to speculate he dyes his pubes as well as the hair on his head.
• Marjorie Taylor Greene claims she doesn’t remember claiming she had evidence of other Republicans committing similar sex crimes to Matt Gaetz, or threatening to release it if Gaetz wasn’t confirmed, and that neither of those sound like something she’d ever say.
• A petition of 10,000 MAGA fans in rural Alabama have reportedly pledged to move to Greenland if Donald Trump annexes it, Americanize the island, and “make it feel more like Alabama.”
• Trump reportedly wants a “do-over” on nominating his cabinet, and says he’ll spend more time weeding out the sex offenders this time.
• Elon Musk is reportedly in talks to start D.O.G.E. Committees in Germany, Canada, and the UK if those countries’ nazi parties win in their next elections.
• A dozen MAGA fans from northern Florida who snuck into Greenland to start an American colony for Trump just got arrested there, and the leader claimed his only regret is that he has but one life to give for Trump, though the Danish punishment is only deportation.
• Trump is reportedly furious because a group of liberal billionaires have been renting a dozen suites at Mar-a-Lago for the last week, and letting big families of Central American migrants stay in the rooms, use the pool, and eat in the buffet.
• A guy in Florida who got “TRUMP” tattooed on his forehead says he can’t help but notice that no Democrats ever got a Biden or Harris face tattoo.
• Greenland just announced it’s going to build a wall and make Donald Trump pay for it.
• Several MAGA fans who flew to Greenland to try and start an American colony they intend to call “Trumpland” have been detained at the airport for being sex offenders. 🥃

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