DADA!

Trump Wants A $3 Bill With His Face On It

And this week’s other Dada News headlines!

Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

• Trump just signed an executive order to mint a new $3 bill featuring his face on the front.
• Elon Musk says it wasn’t a Nazi salute he did, but just an Apartheid South African salute.
• Leaked Russian intelligence documents show Vladimir Putin is furious that Trump is “too dumb, dishonest, and illiterate” to make a Ukraine deal that ends the war on his first day as president like he promised Putin privately and vowed to his voters publicly.
• Joe Biden got through his entire presidency without calling for laborers to arrest their employers, or nationalizing America’s iron and steel industries, or ordering all farmers to collectivize their land and crops, or abolishing private property, or turning America communist like Trump said he would.
• Trump’s approval rating among Greenlanders plummeted to the single digits after Trump canceled his outdoor inauguration speech because it got cold.
• Trump is reportedly pissed people are calling him the “Hawk Tuah of presidents.”
• Trump forgot to lie about his weight on his records for this presidential term, which means that Trump is officially now recorded in the history books as fatter than Taft.
• The hundreds of Trump protesters who brought tubas, kazoos, and bagpipes to troll his inauguration have reportedly begun playing all across the National Mall, and witnesses say the cacophony could be heard from the Capitol Rotunda where Trump is now set to deliver his speech.
• Hundreds of Trump protesters wearing mushroom costumes danced in the streets all around the Capitol Building for hours following Trump’s inauguration.
• A surprisingly bipartisan coalition of members of Congress just voted to ban Nancy Mace from the bathrooms of the Capitol today.
• Vivek Ramaswamy is reportedly in “disbelief” that Trump would throw him under the D.O.G.E. bus before even his first day.
• Dozens of the attendees crammed in the Capitol Rotunda for Trump’s inaugural speech have described Trump’s stench as “nearly unbearable.”
• Joe Biden reportedly brought a shotgun to Trump’s inauguration saying that he and Trump “have some unfinished presidential immunity business” to take care of.
• BREAKING NEWS: The worm that snuck into Trump’s brain from RFK Jr.’s brain just announced it has total control of Trump’s body, and it is the President of the United States now and will effective immediately be activating emergency presidential powers to institute martial law.
• Trump just signed an executive order directing the government to start a national “Trump Youth” program to be led by Don Jr.
• The House Freedom Caucus is demanding Speaker Mike Johnson pass their bill funding the installation of a monument to Trump on the National Mall between the Washington Monument and the WWII Monument.
• The Mexican government just announced it will begin referring to the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of Joe Biden.”
• Trump just signed an executive order banning all bathroom signs that say “Employees must wash hands.”
• Barack Obama is reportedly raising millions to launch liberal Tea Party rallies across the nation to protest the upcoming Trump tax cuts that will add so much to the national debt, as well as allege that Trump’s “real birth certificate” proves he’s half-orangutan.
• Despite now being president again, Trump reportedly spent all morning complaining about how Biden’s inauguration got 9 million more viewers than his did.
• QAnon is reportedly demanding Trump and JD Vance divorce their immigrant wives and remarry.
• The government of Panama just announced it will join Greenland in renaming the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of Joe Biden.”
• Trump reportedly caught a cold from his inaugural festivities, and is now asking his supporters to pray for him so he doesn’t die in his term’s first month like President William Harrison did.
• Vladimir Putin is reportedly “apocalyptically angry” that Trump is threatening to tariff Russia over Ukraine, and had the Russian government tweet out the following emojis: “☀️🚿📼”
• The National Face-Eating Leopard Party has awarded its first Trump era honor to Vivek Ramaswamy.
• After Steve Bannon reiterated his belief that Elon Musk is a corporatist enemy of the people, Musk just challenged Steve Bannon to a fight.
• Trump just had his entire cabinet swear oaths they’ll never use the 25th Amendment on him.
• JD Vance is reportedly lobbying for Trump to mandate that all depictions of Santa Claus start including children with Mrs. Claus because, “It’s sending the wrong message to childless cat ladies, and it’s weird Santa hangs out alone with so many little boy elves.”
• So far, 6 MAGA fans have paid $150,000 to Trump to be buried on his golf course next to his ex-wife.
• A dozen Gen Z kids with no musical talent have reportedly been taking turns playing tubas outside the White House all day long.
• After declassifying files on several alleged government conspiracies regarding JFK, RFK, and MLK Jr., Trump says his reveal of the Epstein files is coming “in two weeks.”
• Trump reportedly spent two hours tonight crossing out his name with a Sharpie every time it’s listed in the Epstein files.
• Lauren Boebert has offered her services to give everyone going into the men’s bathroom a handjob to make sure they’re really men.
• The Gen Z protesters playing tubas outside the White House to troll Trump have been joined by another dozen players of trombones and bagpipes, and they all say none of them have ever taken a music lesson in their lives. 🥃

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