Trump Can’t Find Lawyers To Help Him Trash The Constitution
7 min read4 days ago
But he’s still trying! This is his administration’s application to join his legal team:
The President of the United States Donald J. Trump wants to consider you joining his 2nd presidency!
Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as Trump’s management style pits everyone in a free-for-all battle to win his attention and respect. Staff turnover was historically high in his first term, and is expected to be even higher this time around.
***MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive, 180-page, single-spaced non-disclosure agreement for which Trump reserves the right to sue you for $5 billion if you discuss anything he’s ever done or said to you!***
QUALIFICATIONS
- Previous on-air TV experience from Fox News, Newsmax, or conservative podcasting
- A “Central Casting” physical appearance — Blondes strongly preferred (an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment for female applicants, and male applicants must be better looking than Rudy Giuliani but not too better looking than Trump)
- Big breasts for women (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants), full head of hair for men (inquire about our new-hire bonus of hair implants)
- Team player (you may be asked to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team, but pardons and NDA hush money are negotiable)
- Must have a good memory as we are a paperless office so there’s no paper trail or physical records of anything we do, write, or say (if you do need to write any notes, you will be expected to flush or eat them)
- Some plumbing experience is a plus, particularly unclogging paper jams in our memo toilet
- Can handle terrible body odor and the scent of soiled underwear for extended periods of time
- Intimate knowledge of the fast food menus at McDonald’s and KFC, or be a very fast, visual learner of combo deals
- Flexible opinions on the Constitution’s checks and balances on executive power, the geopolitical benefits of NATO and the UN, and human rights
RESPONSIBILITIES
- Fetch Trump a can of Diet Coke exactly every 37 minutes (due to his extreme physiological dependence on aspartame he will start sweating profusely and foaming at the mouth if you’re more than 45-seconds late)
- Flush (or eat) all handwritten notes from Trump, even the ones he just sketches boobs on
- Occasional light janitorial work, such as cleaning ketchup off walls and sweeping up broken plate shards and half-eaten burgers
- Schedule weekly phone calls between Vladimir Putin and Trump
- Be proactive and a self-starter at claiming “executive privilege” and “presidential immunity” when interacting with journalists, Democratic members of Congress, courthouse officials, or the Department of Justice
- Always knock on the door before entering when Trump is in his “Executive Hours” because he might be naked jerking off to the fawning praise he gets from Fox News, or he might not have his makeup or hair done yet, and you’ll make him shriek for you to get out and yell that it’s “fake news” how he looks
- Women: always pretend to be turned on or impressed if he flashes you
- Be good at remembering a constantly shifting array of “alternative facts,” “enemies of the people,” and expected hurricane trajectories
- Coordinate political strategies with a revolving cast of co-conspirators, underlings, yes-men, and blackmailed members of Congress, as well as occasionally escort blackmail material to and from the vault in Trump’s Mar-a-Lago suite
- Always let him “Weave,” and never embarrass him by reminding him what your question was actually about
- Stalk and spy on Republican members of Congress to blackmail them into loyalty, and occasionally earn overtime driving to their houses in the middle of the night to look through their trash bins and plant concealed recording devices on their porches
- Help enforce a 2-drink maximum on Rudy Giuliani during regular business hours if he is around
- Spray Steve Bannon with Febreze when he comes around so he doesn’t stink up the office (his stench somehow clings to the couches he sits on for days)
- Spray Trump with cologne before all meetings so his infamous body odor doesn’t embarrass him or make foreign dignitaries throw up (we’ve tried everything to mitigate the smell and nothing works, so just get used to the smell and cleaning up vomit when attending global summits)
- Try to sober up Don Jr. and/or give him eye drops when he’s around the press
- Make sure Eric doesn’t pick his scabs and eat them, and bleed on the White House furniture
- Be on the lookout for Melania lookalikes and body-doubles we can hire to use at White House events
- Never let Trump eat or drink anything Melania gives him (Trump is concerned she might be trying to poison him)
- You’ll get occasional breaks to go pick up McDonald’s or KFC from the drive-through (Trump doesn’t trust random delivery drivers)
- Use Craigslist to hire Black people for “Blacks 4 Trump” appearances at campaign rallies
- Do NOT EVER mention windmills, sharks, the water pressure, Obama, Ukraine, Zelensky, Pelosi, exercise, heart disease, Jack Smith, January 6th, his inauguration crowd size, Melania’s fidelity, or Eric when Trump is around
- If Trump invites you out golfing with him you MUST let him win and look the other way when he kicks his ball into the water hazard and drops a new ball from his pocket
- Keep a close eye on Twitter/X so you know if/when Trump fires you
- Quietly and passively accept a lot of mental and psychological abuse (Trump’s genius leadership style involves a lot of yelling, insults, threats of violence, and choking attempts)
BENEFITS
- Payday in “two weeks”
- A 1% discount on Mar-a-Lago membership, and 47 cents off at any other Trump property
- Proximity to classified and top secret documents Trump will not give back following his presidential briefings
- Casual, daily appraisals of your physical appearance by the President of the United States (particularly if you are female)
- You’ll learn from the best dealmaker of all time, and watch his genius business skills as he finally unveils his new Obamacare replacement, infrastructure deal, Iran deal, North Korea deal, Ukraine deal, and plan to make Mexico pay for the wall!
- You’ll get to hear a lot of rumors about golfers’ penis sizes
- If Trump wants to make a move on you he’ll take you out furniture shopping first
- You’ll be around many powerful people in Republican politics, and see Trump humiliate them often (you’ll love “The Kennel,” and seeing Mike Johnson, Ted Cruz, and Lindsey Graham spend hours locked inside it)
- Complimentary Adderall
- There’s often free makeup available when Trump buys a foundation that isn’t orange enough for his taste and he doesn’t want it
- Working for the greatest president in US history, better than Lincoln and Washington combined!
TO APPLY
- Cover letter must be no more than two paragraphs — including Trump’s name in every paragraph (if not every individual sentence) is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED
- Letters of recommendation from dictators are quite welcome!
- Pay a $50 application fee, a $50 application filing fee, a $50 resumé reading fee, a $50 resumé filing fee, a $50 non-disclosure agreement filing fee, and a $50 interview fee
- Female applicants are advised to print out and bring several selfies so Trump can determine if you have the “Trump Administration It Factor” (the more skin showing the better for you), and male applicants must write out an amusing story of a time you think you were were unfairly accused of sexual assault
- Pay a $50 selfie filing fee or $50 sex adventure reading fee
- Join Truth Social and post five Truths accusing Democratic members of Congress being Satan and show Trump during interview
- Pick out, buy, print out, and discuss your favorite “Trump NFT”
- Pay a $50 NFT filing fee
- Write and send a letter to NBCUniversal at the end of your interview while being monitored to tell them that you’d love it if they produced another season of The Apprentice featuring Trump as president firing his cabinet members for not being loyal enough
- Tips: Bring an 18-pack of Diet Coke cans to the interview or a few cans of hairspray, say Trump’s name a lot (he really likes hearing his full name, not just “Trump”), show cleavage if you’re a woman and maybe bend over a couple times, say racist or sexist things, express that you think it’s genius to have America abandon our NATO allies and it’s totally not just because that’s what would be spectacular for Putin’s land grab dreams, remark that his hands are even bigger than you expected, and tell him he totally could have dated Ivanka if he weren’t her father — he’ll really love all that!
We look forward* to meeting you!
- No fuglies 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my free Substack The Halfway Café to get my work delivered right to your inbox. In this second Trump Era of surrealist governance, nothing is more important than comedy, so consider becoming a paid member to help support me tirelessly mocking Trump and his MAGA movement.
Because our social media platforms are being scrambled up by oligarchs, if you like my comedy, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Twitter, Bluesky, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I’ve also published three existentialist poetry books for Millennials, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, and Hotel Golden Hours available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
