There’s A New Toy Trend For Christian Girls: “Fetus Dolls”
The newest viral toy for girls in Christian families is a novel take on the classic doll toy: Fetus Dolls.
A recently released line of dolls created by the Christian toy company Fear God Toys & Games, Inc. is designed in the shape of a fetus, and a marketing slogan says it allows Christian girls to imagine they have their very own gestating fetuses.
The Fetus Dolls come in a spherical womb-like holder, and have a button on the holder’s base that makes the Fetus Doll appear to talk when pressed.
There are six cycling phrases programmed in this first edition of the toy, carefully drafted to remind little girls of Christian values:
- “Abortion and contraception are murder.”
- “The flames of Hell last forever.”
- “The Devil has a home inside your clitoris, and loves when you go knocking on his door.”
- “Natural vaginal lubrication is from Satan salivating over your soul.”
- “Sex before marriage burns your genitals, covers you in warts, and turns you blind and infertile… if it doesn’t kill you!”
- “If you lose your virginity before marriage you may as well climb into the nearest dumpster and let yourself be taken to the landfill because you’ll be worthless trash!”
The dolls are not very interactive beyond the recorded messages, and the packaging states that the dolls’ intended use is not so much for play as much as a daily reminder for little girls that abortion is a sin deserving an automatic Hell sentence.
Inside the Fetus Dolls’ bodies are ink cartridges primed to explode in all directions if any attempt is made to remove the fetus from its plastic womb, and the speaker will blare a loud police siren with scream sound effects to simulate the torment, pain, and suffering experienced in the fires of Hell.
“It’s never too early to instill in kids a memorably terrifying fear of God’s omnipotent but loving and compassionate fury,” said Fetus Dolls creator John Ranker. “We believe this toy is a perfect Christian gift for any little girls above the age of three. It’s like an Elf on the Shelf, but for potential future sluts!”
The Fetus Dolls have gone viral thanks to a product placement advertising deal with the 700 Club, and an enthusiastic blurb from Pat Robertson himself printed on the boxes that the dolls are sold in: “Thanks to Fetus Dolls, your little princess can be psychologically traumatized by the idea of having sex well before puberty gives Satan a chance to sneak into her clitoris and whisper the insidious deceit that women should ever enjoy sex for non-procreative purposes!”
The first shipment of 10,000 Fetus Dolls was sold out in only one week, though, unfortunately, there was a slight mechanical production error that left manufacturing defects in some of the fetuses’ heads.
The recall affected approximately 750 dolls, which had to be removed with coat hangers and thrown in the trash. 🥃
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