The GOP Wants Subsidized School Lunches To Get Spit On By Lunch Ladies
Several Republicans in the House Freedom Caucus are calling for an amendment to a Democratic bill on free school lunches for poor children in public schools that would mandate they get spit on by “at least one lunch lady.”
“I want nothing but the best for our schoolchildren,” explained Representative Ralph Yardbird in a press conference today, “and the only way we can help students from poor, urban families develop a work ethic they’ll never be taught at home from their lazy, morally deficient and under-earning parents is to humiliate them as much as possible. It’s not their fault these poor children weren’t born into wealthy families like me, but, if we ungrudgingly spit loogies into every socialist drink, entrée, and side dish these kids get at school, we can remind them that someday, if they study hard, they might be rich, too, and they’ll be able to rise above the spit-on and become the spitters themselves. I didn’t need to eat and drink copious amounts of saliva to grow up and be rich when I was a kid because my family was already rich, and then I later married into an even richer family, but, if I had been born into a poor family, I am 100% positive that regularly being forced to consume lunch lady phlegm with thick, mucous viscosity tinged with the bitter flavor of cigarette smoke while all the rich kids at my school laughed and jeered at me would have inspired me to work hard in all my classes to make sure I’d never struggle financially. These students from poor families will thank me when they’re older and lower-middle-class, I promise you that! This is just one more way for America to really invest in our poorest schoolchildren, and give them the tools they need to lift themselves up on their own by their bootstraps by deciding to work hard and ensure their own children won’t have to suffer the same fate of getting socialized free lunches including menu items such as drool soup, spaghetti with saliva sauce, slobbery joe sandwiches, and salads with a spit-reduction dressing.”
Yardbird then made a disparaging remark about public school students to a staffer while his microphone was still unintentionally hot:
“The stench of children whose parents don’t own multiple homes, have yachts, or take the family on seasonal vacations really lingers in the air, doesn’t it? Oh, how I detest the putrid stench of even people in the upper-middle class, and don’t even get me started on the olfactory horrors of poverty! It’s such a distraction for the rich children. I can’t wait until my shell companies own a for-profit charter school in every town in America, then unofficial segregation of schoolchildren can come back in force! We Republicans can starve public schools of funds by giving everyone vouchers, and then letting the rich kids take their vouchers to zip code specific charter schools. Then when poor or minority kids apply, our charter schools can turn them away because the school is full or not accepting new applicants at the moment! These privately owned charter schools don’t have to disclose all the info that public schools have to, so we’ll be able to get away with neo-segregation! The problem with public schools is that too often liberal communists are allowed to rise to the roles of principals, superintendents and government regulators where they can force schools to be fair, diverse and multicultural, but charter schools don’t have to hire any liberals on their staffs or leadership roles. None of my charter schools will ever hire a liberal! Or let any liberals’ poor minority children in! Oh, wow! All this talk of defunding and killing public schools, issuing of school vouchers, and letting private entities like all my shell companies take those vouchers and get rich building slyly discriminatory for-profit schools has given me an erection!”
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