BREAKING NEWS!

Someone In The FBI Leaked What Was Found At Mar-A-Lago!

Dash MacIntyre

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(Modified Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead listed as Public Domain CC 1.0)

An unprecedented government leak revealed some of the things found at Mar-a-Lago during the FBI’s search and seizure of evidence relating to the investigation into Trump’s mishandling of classified documents:

  • Senator Lindsey Graham tied up and locked inside a dog kennel in the basement
  • Thousands of McDonalds receipts going back to the 1970s
  • A big box labeled “Blackmail on Kevin McCarthy
  • An “Enemies List” which contained hundreds of people’s names, media organizations, entire countries, and inanimate objects such as windmills and “the water pressure”
  • Sean Hannity asleep in Trump’s bed wearing Trump’s clothes for some reason
  • A term paper he wrote in high school about how genius and clever Hitler’s propaganda strategy was to tell nonstop lies about everyone and everything, and then refer to all the fact-checkers as “fake news” and “enemies of the people”
  • A copy of “The American Government For Dummies” that looked like it was never opened or read from with a post-it note on the cover that said “From Obama, Best of Luck
  • Papers with Sharpie marker outlines of people’s hands Trump apparently drew to compare to the outline of his own hand he traced multiple times, including a few that showed him clearly extending the length of his finger tips to pretend they’re bigger than they are
  • A lot of printed posters of Hitler rallies from the 1930s with Trump’s head photoshopped over Hitler’s head, gifted to him from Roger Stone
  • Six wigs
  • A framed portrait of himself with Vladimir Putin signed by Putin with a note saying “Biggest hands of any president I’ve ever shaken!
  • Copies of nondisclosure agreements with dozens of women describing payments to porn stars for sex, and settlement payments to Trump Organization staffers and contractors for sexual harassment
  • A presidential pardon he secretly filled out and signed for himself in an unopened letter he mailed to himself on January 19th, 2021
  • A draft of a memo to the Trump Organization promoting his son Eric as the company’s Chief Financial Officer so that he can blame all the financial, tax, and bank fraud on Eric
  • A vase of Roy Cohn’s ashes
  • An emergency bottle of ketchup
  • Don Jr.’s 7th grade yearbook with several girls’ pictures circled that Trump wrote “invite to your birthday party” next to
  • An elaborately sketched out plan to fake his death and move to Moscow

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.