QAnon Just Started A Writers’ Workshop For Internet Trolls
Sign up today to learn how to be a conspiratorial Internet troll, and get those liberal tears flowing!
(Published first at The Haven)
Testimonials for helping you decide if you want to register for the first annual QAnon Writing Workshop (QWW):
“I was truly floored how much I absorbed from the QWW curriculum in just one week! On day one, Monday morning, you hit the ground running when they help you create a dozen burner social media profiles. Then throughout the week they conduct in-depth walkthroughs of all the social media platforms’ different terms and conditions agreements to show you how to avoid having your QAnon account blocked for promoting hate, harassment, and violence with hands-on exercises. I used to get locked out of my Facebook account every month, but now I’ve only been restricted once this year!” — Matt, 38
“Truthers of all kinds are sincerely welcomed, and the QWW is a perfect rebuttal against the Leftists who say we have a phobia of multiculturalism. For instance, I had never thought about the Earth being flat before, but, thanks to valuable friendships I’ve made at the QWW, I’m going to my first Flat Earth convention next month! Where we go one, we TRULY go all! And when I first heard the new conspiracy theory that birds aren’t real, and they’re all actually tiny, flying, electronic government surveillance drones, I thought it was ludicrous. But I’ve heard many compelling theories on the subject that really complement my suspicions that the Deep State has been spying on me ever since I celebrated American democracy by taking a shit in Nancy Pelosi’s office on January 6th!” — Kimberly, 31
“The QWW is dedicated to making the week an adventurous potluck of truth-seeking. The facilitators and staff keep a strict ‘no pedantic fact checks’ rule that they rigorously maintain with dedicated off-the-grid hours where everyone has to turn off their phones. It truly allows for the kind of deep, brain-to-brain conversations we never get to have in public because of all the snowflake waiters, baristas, store clerks, cashiers, salesmen, librarians, and coworkers out there in our lives who get all upset and call us ‘Nazis’ and ‘serial sexual harassers’ every time we exercise our God-given, Constitutionally protected freedom of speech to tell it like it is, share stories full of ‘locker room talk,’ and hit on young women.” — Franklin, 61
“I swear a janitor at the building where the conference meets is JFK Jr. in a disguise. The guy denied it, but I know it’s really him. I told him ‘Let’s go Brandon,’ and he said, ‘Who is Brandon?’ So then I said ‘Nice try, future Vice President,’ and he told me if he caught me hiding in the women’s bathroom one more time he was going to call the cops.” — Zach, 23
“I was nervous about signing up for the QWW because it’s natural to feel skeptical about a group claiming to teach you skepticism. When conspiracies are everywhere, it’s tough to trust that other alleged Truthers aren’t secretly working as Deep State governmental cutouts, or being paid by the globalist, New World Order lizard elite. But I can confirm that the QWW faculty are 100% authentic. No sign of secret cabal funding from George Soros, Bill Gates, or the Clinton Foundation anywhere, and I looked for it thoroughly! My only recommendation is to maybe not have the traditional Monday evening pizza party. When they started opening the pizza boxes I admit I freaked out a little when I pulled out my concealed firearm and started demanding to know where the baby-eating Democrats were. In my defense, every loyal QAnon follower knows that pizza parties are code for child-traffickers getting together to diddle a bunch of kids! Anyway, I really hope the QWW reconsiders my lifetime ban. — Ralph, 43
“I loved the elective practicums and workshops that the QWW offers. My favorite was Racial Diversity 101, which allowed a very collaborate, comfortable roundtable setting to discuss how to use the Woke left’s ideals of tolerance against them to point out how hypocritical they are by being intolerant of neo-Nazis. It gave me valuable insights into the lingo and buzzwords of Woke culture to more thoughtfully harass people with elaborate fake identities online. I may be a cisgender white man, but three of my Twitter accounts are me posing as anti-Biden African-American women, and two more are me posing as anti-Biden Asian trans women. As far as I know, no one can tell I’m not actually Black, Asian, or trans! And the best part is that, since my alter egos are Black, my QWW counselor assured me I get to use the N-word!” — Karen, 49
“One Star! The QWW is full of communists and socialists! They really think Joe Biden is president. DONALD TRUMP IS JUST WEARING JOE BIDEN’S FACE TO FOOL THE DEEP STATE! The QWW should be banned and executed when the Storm arrives any day now for going along with the Deep State lie that Biden is actually alive! THEY’RE TRAITORS AND IF I EVER SEE ANY OF THEM OUT IN PUBLIC, I HOPE MY CAR BRAKES WON’T SUDDENLY GIVE OUT AS I’M DRIVING RIGHT AT THEM AT 90 MILES AN HOUR!!! The catered lunches were really tasty though.” — Ronald, 49
“Thanks to the QWW, I learned so much about each social media platform’s specific algorithms! Now I know all about how to induce outrage in all my friends and family in order to increase my Facebook posts’ engagement and enhance their digital reach. They teach you a plethora of ways to creatively reference the coming race wars, the next Capitol insurrection riot, and all the hoax Plandemic vaccines without getting automatically flagged. I feel confident thanks to the QWW that I’ll be going viral in no time, and not just with COVID lol!” — Sarah, 26
“I was really looking forward to this year’s QWW because Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, was this year’s special guest teacher. Things got even more fun on Monday when Mike told us that Donald Trump was going to be reinstated as president on Wednesday, so we were all very excited to experience American history together. But when Wednesday came we stayed up until midnight, yet Sleepy Joe was still in the White House. Then Mike told us he meant Thursday, and we stayed up until midnight again, but it was a dud again. Then Mike swore Friday night was the big event, but, when nothing happened for the third time, he claimed he had unbelievable proof that Donald Trump really won in 2020, but couldn’t show us until next year’s QWW. As soon as I heard that, I bought a ticket for next year’s conference. Boy, I can’t wait to hear this evidence! I hope the QWW can also book Donald Trump as a special guest next year, too, because I’m still sitting on the edge of my seat to find out all about his amazing Obamacare replacement plan that is cheaper, and covers more people! And don’t even get me started on his infrastructure plan! He was just about to unveil it when Biden stole the election from him, and the infrastructure deals Biden passed into law just in no way compare to the brilliant deals Trump was no doubt working on! Maybe Trump will give us a sneak peak at next year’s QWW. I can’t wait!” — Dorothy, 71
“I love coming to the QWW. The best part is the unofficial gay orgy we have on the last day in the woods behind the cafeteria building. I’m not a white supremacist incel myself, but boy do the white supremacist incels who attend every year have some repressed sexual frustrations they need to take out on my very consenting body.” — David, 29 🥃
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