DADA!

Oh, No! Elon Musk Is Giving Donald Trump The Ick!

And this week’s other Dada News headlines!

Photo by Sherise Van Dyk on Unsplash

• Trump has reportedly been complaining to his staffers that Elon Musk is “more annoying, needy, and clingy than Eric.”
• Trump reportedly just received a refund on a one-way plane ticket to Moscow he says he bought before the election “just in case.”
• Vladimir Putin is reportedly planning on gifting Donald Trump a revived Russian award that czars used to give to their royal court clowns.
• GOP Representative Nancy Mace has tweeted 36 times this morning about being robbed after a Starbucks employee gave her the wrong number of pennies back in her change.
• Kash Patel is reportedly considering making the FBI investigate everyone on Twitter who tweets that Donald Trump smells bad.
• Trump says Democrats better not try to investigate him again because Republicans were “hands-off with the Biden family for the last four years.”
• Kash Patel’s FBI enemies list includes his sixth grade algebra teacher, his next door neighbor, his previous landlord, and three ex-girlfriends.
• Local Trump fans are starting to wonder why, even though Trump is going to be president again, he, Melania, and all their surrogates are still constantly trying to sell cheap merchandise to MAGA fans.
• Donald Trump is reportedly not looking forward to having to do his 2-hour morning makeup and hair routine every day again for the next four years straight.
• Following the recent murder of a health insurance executive, the insurance company Regressive says it will postpone its new policy of limiting patients to one toilet flush per day in the hospital.
• Following the stalemate in Ukraine and the collapse of the Bashar al-Assad’s regime in Syria, Trump is reportedly worried that Vladimir Putin is starting to look like a loser.
• The brain worm that used RFK Jr. as a host to get to Donald Trump and sneak in his brain just announced it is fully in control of Trump’s body, and that it will be the real POTUS in January.
• Trump is reportedly thinking of nominating his son Eric as Ambassador to Australia hoping its extremely lethal fauna will “make him disappear.”
• Trump reportedly made Elon Musk get up from his dining table last night at Mar-a-Lago and eat at a table several rows over.
• Kash Patel says he will investigate anyone who calls Trump the following names: VonShitzenpants, Diaper Don, Mushroom Man, the Senile Penile, Roast Beef B.O., Epstein’s Best Bud, Convicted Felon, Dotard, Putin’s Bitch, Fatty Fascist, or the Short-Fingered Vulgarian.
• Trump reportedly had the chef at Mar-a-Lago write “go home” in icing on a piece of cake Elon Musk ordered for dessert tonight.
• Trump reportedly wants the military to invade another country’s island, and for Congress to vote to name it “Trumpland” and make it the 51st state.
• Trump’s Secretary of Labor nominee, Ralph Hastings, says he will force all companies to take down their “Employees must wash hands” bathroom signs.
• Tulsi Gabbard is reportedly worried it’s not a good idea anymore to give skeptical Republican senators her letters of recommendation from Bashar al-Assad.
• RFK Jr. reportedly missed a meeting with Donald Trump this morning because he had to go to the hospital to remove over a hundred tapeworms.
• The conservative TV series “Real Housewives of Mar-a-Lago” has reportedly stopped production because Trump’s government nominees hanging around Trump’s resort keep trying to grope and drunkenly kiss the show’s female stars.
• Elon Musk has reportedly been caught several times at Mar-a-Lago eavesdropping on conversations Trump is having behind closed doors.
• Democratic women are reportedly drafting a “Project 2029” that will ban all erectile dysfunction pills for men because maybe they should thank God for blessing them with tiny, flaccid penises.
• The Trump Transition team is reportedly asking nominated officials to commit to paying 1% of their government salaries into an insurance fund to help offset the cost of their inevitable sex scandals.
• Trump says he will reveal his “totally innocent reason” why his name and various phone numbers show up all over the Jeffrey Epstein documents “in two weeks.”
• Two Republican House members so far this December have accidentally shot themselves in the feet while photographing their families’ Christmas cards where everyone is holding guns.
• RFK Jr. insists the brain worm has nothing to do with why he wants Donald Trump to remove all regulations protecting endangered bird species. 🥃

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