Mike Johnson Is Making Wild Promises For Speaker Votes
Johnson doesn’t want to give up his power.
Thanks to Republicans’ surprisingly narrow majority in the House of Representatives, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is struggling to secure all the votes he needs to be elected Speaker again.
Some of the most MAGA members of the House are threatening to withhold their votes unless Johnson promises them favors, and these are the wildest ones disclosed so far:
- Lauren Boebert wants to be allowed to vape on the House floor.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene wants Johnson to vow he’ll fund Christian space lasers to defend against all the Jewish space lasers.
- Herb Williams wants to be able to wear his grandpa’s Ku Klux Klan outfit on the House floor.
- Morgan Clinedell wants the House to install “gay-dar detectors” and “trans-dar detectors” next to all the metal detectors at the Capitol’s entrances so he knows how many gays and trans are visiting Congress each day.
- Clay Higgins wants to become the chairman of a new subcommittee “focusing on foreign policy with regard to the Mole People.”
- Jim Jordan wants the House to lower the statute of limitations on whatever crimes are involved in hearing about sex abuse on your wrestling team and then trying to sweep it under the rug.
- Thomas Duncan wants the Friday “casual day” dress code at Congress to include wearing no pants, because that’s casual for him.
- John Lupin wants Johnson to institute a new rule that no men can “go commando” on the House floor so that with pants and underwear there’s always at least four layers of fabric protecting his penis from other male House members’ penises.
- Paul Goshaar wants the House to pass a resolution officially declaring that Hitler and the Nazis had “some good ideas.”
- Karen Trechus wants gift cards to Applebees for when she dines there and they don’t comp her food after she complains about every dish even though she ate almost everything.
- Louie Gohmert wants to be the chairman of a newly created House subcommittee on Female Anatomical Truths because he’s sick and tired of hearing women claim that they have a clitoris, a G-Spot, brains equal in size to men’s brains, a hypothalamus, a pelvic floor, or that they’re capable of having orgasms.
- Madison Poshey wants the House to mandate all Smithsonian Museums and other federally funded museums put wax models of Jesus riding all the dinosaur fossils to promote Creationism and Jesus.
- Ralph West wants Johnson to have the House Sergeant at Arms arrest his ex-wife and imprison her in a room in the basement of Congress for reporting him under his state’s red flag law, and getting his AR-15 confiscated by the police.
- Bob Harris wants something to be stocked and available for free in the men’s bathroom since women get free tampons.
- Richard Drowning wants Johnson to let him put a couple hidden cameras in each of the women’s bathrooms “to do surveillance for protecting women from creeps in the bathrooms.”
- Andy Riggs wants Johnson to pass a bill to send to the Senate that would hire unemployed veterans to stand guard in the bedrooms of gay people across America to ensure they don’t have any gay sex.
- Chip Norman wants Johnson to somehow stop Hillary Clinton from doing magical witch spells on him that make him have wet dreams about her twice a week.
- Nancy Mace wants Johnson to gift her a sword with which she has vowed someday she will literally backstab him with for the Speakership.
- Albert Schweizer wants Johnson to get him an invite to one of Senator Chuck Grassley’s infamous coke orgies in his “f*ck dungeon.” 🥃
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