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Matt Gaetz Vows Revenge Against “Republican Hypocrites”
And this week’s other Dada News headlines!
5 min readDec 24, 2024
- “Oh, THAT report, I thought everyone was talking about a DIFFERENT sex-trafficking report,” Matt Gaetz just told a reporter who asked why he lied about his misconduct report he claimed “fully exonerated” him.
- “Why does this always happen to my friends?” Donald Trump reportedly asked his staffers this morning after the Gaetz Report revealed Matt Gaetz is a sex-trafficking pedophile.
- Top Republicans are reportedly bracing themselves for the impact of Matt Gaetz’s revenge in publicly revealing all his explicit text chains to the other perverts in Congress.
- Donald Trump is reportedly getting angry with how often Elon Musk speaks first when they’re in meetings together and someone asks a question.
- Rudy Giuliani reportedly told Fox News this morning, “I’m not going anywhere near those drones in New Jersey because I don’t want to get abducted again. The aliens have no bedside manner during the probings!”
- In a test of loyalty, Trump is reportedly demanding Congressional Republicans rename the upcoming Martin Luther King Jr. Day as the “Donald J. Trump Day.”
- Trump is reportedly making Elon Musk stand in the corner of the room during staffing meetings now instead of sitting at the table next to him.
- Barack Obama is reportedly raising funds to launch Tea Party rallies across the nation to protest a new president who was born in Africa and is going to increase the national debt.
- Donald Trump is reportedly demanding Elon Musk censor all the posts on Twitter calling him “Vice President Trump” or he’ll fire everyone at D.O.G.E.
- Lara Trump says it’s too difficult to decide what she wants more, to become the next Taylor Swift sized pop star singer, or the junior US Senator from Florida.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert have reportedly begun campaigning to be the next Speaker of the House, with Greene calling Boebert an “unprofessional ignoramus,” and Boebert calling Greene an “uneducated loudmouth.”
- Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said, “My relationship with Donald Trump and Elon Musk is like we’re all in a hotel room together, and they’re on the bed while I’m sitting in the chair in the corner getting a front row view of those brilliant guys really go at it.”
- RFK Jr. accidentally said on a hot mic that Donald Trump smells worse than the bear cub carcass he found on the side of the road back in 2014, and the head he salvaged from the whale corpse he found on the beach.
- Dozens of MAGA fans in Alabama have started a hunger strike they vow will go on until they die or everyone stops calling Trump “Elon Musk’s vice president.”
- Trump is reportedly so afraid that Elon Musk will make all the government decisions without him that he hasn’t golfed in three weeks.
- Mike Johnson is reportedly paralyzed with fear because Trump is demanding Congress take away all funding for windmills and wind turbines while Musk is demanding Congress dramatically increase funding for them, and told staffers, “I’m in a pickle, and I believe that pickle is about to be gobbled.”
- Elon Musk is reportedly angry that somehow the collapse of the budget deal became his fault when Donald Trump spends 8 hours a day watching Fox News and guessing out loud how big the female hosts’ bra sizes are.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to cancel D.O.G.E. after Vivek Ramaswamy suggested the government save money by having administration officials stay at hotels Trump doesn’t own.
- The report on Matt Gaetz’s misconduct reportedly reveals several sexual fetishes that professional therapists say they have never before encountered or heard of.
- After announcing she was removing herself from consideration for the Florida Senate Seat Marco Rubio is leaving vacant, Lara Trump just announced she has removed her cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” from consideration for the Grammys.
- A Cyber Truck transporting a shipment of Elon Musk’s semen to a sperm bank so he can “save the planet by procreating more geniuses with his DNA” reportedly caught on fire this morning and exploded.
- There is reportedly disagreement between Elon Musk and Donald Trump about releasing all the Epstein files unredacted, with Trump expressing suspicious objections.
- Trump has reportedly complained to staffers that Elon Musk is tweeting too much, and he’s coming across as “desperate for attention.”
- A second missing Republican House member was just found after several months of missed votes, and he claims he was accidentally left locked inside a dog kennel in Senator Chuck Grassley’s “subterranean f*ck dungeon” where the GOP coke orgies are hosted.
- Senator Grassley is reportedly relieved the Gaetz Report doesn’t disclose any embarrassing details about his subterranean f*ck dungeon.
- Donald Trump is reportedly melting down after some Gen Z kids of Mar-a-Lago members wrote on the lobby wall in ketchup, “Congratulations, President Musk!”
- Mike Johnson’s son reportedly just angrily deleted the porn-monitoring app from his phone after his father was revealed to have been obstructing the release of the Gaetz Report on pedophile sex-trafficking.
- Trump called into Fox News tonight and claimed that he and Elon Musk both took an IQ test at Mar-a-Lago this weekend, and his score was higher.
- Trump reportedly told Vivek Ramaswamy that D.O.G.E. auditing how much he was charging the Secret Service to stay in his hotels was “crossing a red line.”
- GOP Rep. Thomas Delkovich says he has a list of 39 Republican members of Congress who have paid hush money to women they’ve harassed, assaulted, or pressured to get abortions, and he’ll reveal them all unless Congress passes his bill to legalize bestiality. 🥃
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