LOOKING FOR MAGA LOVE!

Marjorie Taylor Greene Has A Tinder Profile

Dash MacIntyre

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Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Marge Green
— 49 years old
— Washington D.C.

You may know me from helping incite an insurrection at the Capitol, but on here I’m only trying to incite an erection into my capital, if you catch my drift…😉

REQUIREMENTS

  • THE PERFECT LOVER FOR ME is a mix between Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Benito Mussolini, with a dash of Heinrich Himmler. MUST have strong authoritarian tendencies. I want a man who wants to be a dictator in the country AND in the bedroom, and nothing gets me hotter than a man willing to try a coup.
  • UNVACCINATED ONLY. I won’t date any sheep who don’t do their own research, and just blindly trust medical professionals. I only get my medical advice from websites with the word “Freedom” in their URLs.
  • MUST BE ACCEPTING OF AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. I just got divorced, and I’m not ready to settle down anytime soon. Plus, I get invitations to the hottest coke orgies in the D.C. area, and they’re a blast. However, if you want to join, you must have a strong stomach and not be too squeamish because Chuck Grassley eats more ass than the rest of Congress combined.
  • MUST KNOW WHAT “FJB” MEANS. You also must be cool with the fact that I have a LOT of Hunter Biden revenge porn on my phone that I need for my House floor speeches and will NOT be deleting anytime soon.
  • FAITH! I’m a good Christian girl who is pure for Jesus, so Christians only! But no Lutherans, Methodists, or Episcopalians because they’re too liberal and Woke. I am looking for a fundamentalist Christian man, who will never apply critical context to the Bible, or even read too closely into the things Jesus actually said. A man who knows that God never intended for Jesus’s commands to love your neighbors, take in refugees, turn the other cheek, forgive your enemies, and focus all your attention on the needy and poor to be taken literally and adopted by the government. If I hear you repeating any of the Woke propaganda in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, or the fake news Beatitudes, we’re immediately breaking up!
  • OBVIOUSLY NO LIBTARDS, or Jews, Muslims, Asians, Blacks, or Hispanics. The only people…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.