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Lauren Boebert’s Tinder Profile Was Just Found

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Lauren Boebert

— 37 years old

— Washington D.C. most of the year, Colorado the rest (which Congressional district I live in is very fluid at the moment)

Hey, y’all! You may know me from helping incite an insurrection, but on here I’m only trying to incite an erection… if you catch my drift! 😉

REQUIREMENTS

• THE PERFECT LOVER FOR ME is a mix between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin with a dash of Heinrich Himmler. MUST have strong authoritarian tendencies. I want a man who wants to be a dictator in the country AND in the bedroom, and nothing gets me hotter than a man willing to try a coup — again, in the country AND in the bedroom.
• UNVACCINATED ONLY. I won’t date any sheep who don’t do their own research, and just blindly trust medical professionals. I only get my medical advice from websites with the word “Freedom” in their URLs.
• MUST KNOW WHAT “FJB” MEANS. I don’t know how, but that’s what I involuntarily shout when we’re knocking boots.
• I LOVE GIVING HANDIES in liberal spaces, like theaters, college campuses, the Social Security office, and New York City. It owns the libs so hard.
• OBVIOUSLY NO LIBTARDS, or Jews, Muslims, Asians, Blacks, or Hispanics. The only people getting in me are the people the Founding Fathers intended to get in America: agrarian-minded Christian whites who didn’t graduate high school and are tolerant of the economic benefits of owning other people.
• DOESN’T READ BOOKS! No socialist college graduates, Stalinist masters degrees, or full on communist doctoral theses! Education is a Trojan horse for the liberals to sneak Critical Race Theory into your brain, so I prefer men who dropped out of high school and get by with the common sense of a farming hillbilly (previous bestiality experiences are a dealbreaker for me though).
• MUST LOVE GUNS. My house is filled with tons of them hidden everywhere in case Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi ever try to sneak in at night to suck my blood! Full disclosure: during fights with my ex-husband I occasionally pulled out an AR-15 and aimed it at his head, but I’m currently in therapy addressing my anger issues.
• MUST LOVE BOYCOTTING THINGS. I’m currently boycotting over 200 companies and businesses that the liberals brainwashed to be Woke and socialist. This is an always-revolving list, so you must be an organized person capable of staying up to date on Fox News outrage segments and Donald Trump’s social media posts to know who or what we’re supposed to hate each day.
• BONUS POINTS IF YOU’RE FROM RURAL COLORADO, OR THE SOUTH. My ex-husband has a Confederate Flag tattooed on his taint, and it really turned me on seeing it appear to wave back and forth when I’d peg him.
• MUST BE REVOLUTION READY. And be willing to abandon your life, move into the sewers, eat garbage, disguise your body scent with feces, and wage guerrilla warfare against the libs outside their urban, city strongholds for years when QAnon announces that The Storm has officially begun, and Joe Biden will tear off his face revealing he has really been Donald Trump in disguise all along.
• MUST ALWAYS TAKE MY SIDE IN MY FEUD AGAINST MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. She’s like my opposite in every way: loud, uneducated, unprofessional, ignorant, and making Congress a dysfunctional place.
• MUST BE ACCEPTING OF AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. I’m still recently divorced, and I’m not ready to settle down anytime soon. Plus, I get invitations to the hottest coke orgies in the D.C. area, and they’re a blast. However, if you want to join, you must have a strong stomach and not be too squeamish because Chuck Grassley eats more ass than the rest of Congress combined. Most Friday nights I go to his subterranean f*ck dungeon and take a shit on Grassley’s face.
• FAITH! I’m a good Christian girl who is pure for Jesus, so Christians only! But no Lutherans, Methodists, or Episcopalians because they’re too liberal and Woke. I am looking for a fundamentalist Christian man, who will never apply critical context to the Bible, or even read too closely into the things Jesus actually said. A man who knows that God never intended for Jesus’s commands to love your neighbors, take in refugees, turn the other cheek, forgive your enemies, and focus all your attention on the needy and poor to be taken literally and adopted by the government. If I hear you repeating any of the Woke propaganda in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, or the fake news Beatitudes, we’re immediately breaking up!
• MY TURN-OFFS: Disney, Bud Light, Hollywood, evolution, climate change, vaccines, the numbers 44 and 46, Nike shoes, Critical Race Theory, Mexican restaurants and food trucks, rap and hip-hop and jazz and R&B, the NFL, the NBA, fact-checking, grammar, spelling corrections, historical accuracy, contextual understanding of the Bible, most of biology and all of math, traveling outside of America, electric or hybrid vehicles, cities, immunologists, the media, reporters, “Gotcha Journalism,” plant-based foods, Ukrainian democracy, American democracy, democracy, diversity, renewable energy resources, anthropological musings on Jesus’s likely skin color, Never Trumpers, RINOs, rhinos that remind me of RINOs, anything German pre-1933 or post-1945, fair elections, 95% of the US government and particularly the FBI, and the majority of Americans who have voted for Democratic presidents in the national popular vote 7 times in the last 8 elections.
• MAGA IS MANDATORY. And I get a free hall pass if Donald Trump ever wants to grab me by the you-know-what.

If you meet these requirements, DM me with a “Let’s Go Brandon!” and I’ll hit you up the next time Chuck Grassley schedules a soirée in his undergound f*ck dungeon! But if you talk about it in public like Madison Cawthorn, we are immediately over!

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Check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.

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And Check out my podcast, Brain Milk, I do with Adrian Polk where we discuss politics, economics, history, and Millennial culture (put that baby on 1.5x speed so we sound smarter).