OMNISCIENT VERDICT!

God Says Ted Cruz Is The Biggest Asshole In The Universe

Dash MacIntyre

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Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

I haven’t checked in with God in a while, so I called Him up to ask a question about free will.

The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

DASH MACINTYRE: “Hey, God, just one question this time. Do we have freewill?”

GOD: “Well… ah screw it! Of course not! Do the math and logic, I know everything and control everything. Nothing happens that I don’t choose. You hairless monkeys are pitiful slaves to My atomic, chemical, and molecular machinations. I’m the only entity with free will! And let Me tell you, free will coupled with omnipotence is awesome! Yesterday I made Ted Cruz’s nose bleed for 45 minutes, and then let his finger slip on his phone so he accidentally “hearted” another porn video he was watching on Twitter. Even with omnipotence I can’t get enough of Ted Cruz humiliating himself.”

DM: “Is Ted Cruz the biggest asshole on planet Earth?”

GOD: “Yes. Also the entire universe. If I may brag for a moment, Ted Cruz is My favorite creation of all time. I love to watch Ted Cruz in action. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb. Wanna know a secret? The guy watches squirrel porn. Like incessantly. I’m omniscient so I know every time he goes to AcornHub and watches low quality videos of squirrels going at it. But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for hours. Ted Cruz is a spectacular, magnificent douche. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Ted Cruzes. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight and eat each other. I love watching Ted Cruzes strangle each other. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Ted Cruzes gnawing on each other’s bones, and wearing each other’s faces as war masks, and sleeping in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night. What douches. I wish you could see it. Actually, you know what? You hate Ted Cruz so much I think you’ll really get a kick out of it, so I’ll show you!”

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.