OMNISCIENT VERDICT!
God Says Ted Cruz Is The Biggest Asshole In The Universe
I haven’t checked in with God in a while, so I called Him up to ask a question about free will.
The following is our phone conversation, lightly edited for clarity:
DASH MACINTYRE: “Hey, God, just one question this time. Do we have freewill?”
GOD: “Well… ah screw it! Of course not! Do the math and logic, I know everything and control everything. Nothing happens that I don’t choose. You hairless monkeys are pitiful slaves to My atomic, chemical, and molecular machinations. I’m the only entity with free will! And let Me tell you, free will coupled with omnipotence is awesome! Yesterday I made Ted Cruz’s nose bleed for 45 minutes, and then let his finger slip on his phone so he accidentally “hearted” another porn video he was watching on Twitter. Even with omnipotence I can’t get enough of Ted Cruz humiliating himself.”
DM: “Is Ted Cruz the biggest asshole on planet Earth?”
GOD: “Yes. Also the entire universe. If I may brag for a moment, Ted Cruz is My favorite creation of all time. I love to watch Ted Cruz in action. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously combusting like an atom bomb. Wanna know a…
