God Admits Humans Aren’t In His Top 10 All-Time Favorite Creations

In a frank conversation with God, the Creator admitted that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.

“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those little guys are the shit. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in technology to go out there for ten seconds like total biological losers! I love how you all think I designed the universe specifically for you. I designed the universe specifically for tardigrades!”

God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

“You humans are always sucking yourselves off anthropocentrically,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night. I phoned it in. You all have no cool features like fangs, wings, shells, blood-shooting eyeballs, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladders for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion…