According to friends of Donald Trump, the former president has recently begun asking lawyers, political advisers, and casual Mar-a-Lago acquaintances what prison is like, but Trump has reportedly insisted he’s only asking “for a friend.”
He’s claimed several times his curiosity has nothing to do with the January 6th Committee’s ongoing hearings.
“Trump asked me yesterday what prison was like because he knew my older brother had spent a few years in prison for some bank fraud a decade ago,” said a Mar-a-Lago member, who requested anonymity. “Trump then told me he wasn’t worried at all for himself, but that he had this friend who was really curious, and that if I told him about my brother’s experience he’d pass it on to his friend. So I told him about some of the challenges and struggles, and the President’s ears turned bright red, though I imagine his whole face did, too, under all that orange foundation makeup. Then he threw up on my shoes.”
The witness then gagged a little, remembering the mess before continuing.
“Trump said he wasn’t nervous, but that he must have eaten a bad McDonalds Filet-o-Fish that morning. Trump then asked me how many years’ worth of a sentence his friend might, hypothetically, get if his friend had, again hypothetically, sexually assaulted a couple dozen people, sex-trafficked a few minors, committed hundreds of millions of dollars in wire fraud, misled investors, lied on his tax returns, defrauded most banks in the eastern US, tried to interfere with election integrity in Georgia and Arizona, conspired to kill the Vice President, plotted to overthrow the US government, ran a fake charity, obstructed justice, intimidated witnesses, tampered with witnesses’ testimony, abused the client-attorney privilege in furtherance of crimes, abused executive privilege in furtherance of crimes, committed innumerable campaign finance violations, slandered his various accusers, libeled his critics, retaliated against whistleblowers, incited white supremacist violence, abused his male children, sold pardons, filmed members of Congress doing sexual acts without consent, blackmailed members of Congress, stole top secret documents and took them home after leaving D.C., leaked innumerable national security secrets on insecure…