Trump Has Been Asking Friends What Prison Is Like, “For A Friend”
According to friends of Donald Trump, the former president has recently begun asking lawyers, political advisers, and casual Mar-a-Lago acquaintances what prison is like, but Trump has reportedly insisted he’s only asking “for a friend.”
He’s claimed several times his curiosity has nothing to do with the January 6th Committee’s ongoing hearings.
“Trump asked me yesterday what prison was like because he knew my older brother had spent a few years in prison for some bank fraud a decade ago,” said a Mar-a-Lago member, who requested anonymity. “Trump then told me he wasn’t worried at all for himself, but that he had this friend who was really curious, and that if I told him about my brother’s experience he’d pass it on to his friend. So I told him about some of the challenges and struggles, and the President’s ears turned bright red, though I imagine his whole face did, too, under all that orange foundation makeup. Then he threw up on my shoes.”
The witness then gagged a little, remembering the mess before continuing.
“Trump said he wasn’t nervous, but that he must have eaten a bad McDonalds Filet-o-Fish that morning. Trump then asked me how many years’ worth of a sentence his friend might, hypothetically, get if his friend had, again hypothetically, sexually assaulted a couple dozen people, sex-trafficked a few minors, committed hundreds of millions of dollars in wire fraud, misled investors, lied on his tax returns, defrauded most banks in the eastern US, tried to interfere with election integrity in Georgia and Arizona, conspired to kill the Vice President, plotted to overthrow the US government, ran a fake charity, obstructed justice, intimidated witnesses, tampered with witnesses’ testimony, abused the client-attorney privilege in furtherance of crimes, abused executive privilege in furtherance of crimes, committed innumerable campaign finance violations, slandered his various accusers, libeled his critics, retaliated against whistleblowers, incited white supremacist violence, abused his male children, sold pardons, filmed members of Congress doing sexual acts without consent, blackmailed members of Congress, stole top secret documents and took them home after leaving D.C., leaked innumerable national security secrets on insecure personal cell phone calls, made unprecedentedly nepotistic hiring decisions, refused to cooperate with a number of court mandates and judge decisions, used his public government job for personal gain, colluded with foreign governments for political gain, did a few human rights violations at the border, discriminated against Muslims and various other protected minority groups, harmed America’s national security with negligence, laundered tens of millions of tax dollars and Secret Service budgets through his privately owned properties, assassinated civilians in other countries, broke lots of White House property in angry tantrums, smeared ketchup on priceless artifacts of American history, sold state secrets to the governments of Russia and Saudi Arabia, intentionally withheld COVID assistance from blue states, gave malpractice medical advice on fake COVID cures that resulted in several deaths, perjured here and there, committed too many Hatch Act violations to count, and violated the Constitution’s Emoluments Clause every day for four years, held on to nuclear secrets, passed them along to the Saudis, harassed every female staffer in the White House, obstructed the government’s efforts to get back all the top secret documents I took, directed my lawyers to lie for me and further obstruct justice, and threatened various FBI agents.”
The witness sighed.
“It was a long list to listen to, but, when he finally finished, I told him that his friend would probably spend the rest of his life in prison. Then Trump threw up on my shoes again. He thanked me for telling him, and said he’d pass my information on to his friend. Then he asked me if I happened to have any proof that the election was a fraud.” 🥃
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