Thoughts&Prayers™

Conservatives Clearly Aren’t Praying Enough To Stop Mass Shootings

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readOct 26, 2023
Photo by Toxic Player on Unsplash

Another big mass shooting happened. What a routine American catastrophe that will soon be followed with Republicans’ cliché exhortations for Thoughts&Prayers™.

And Thoughts&Prayers™ will continue to do nothing to prevent the next American mass shooting.

Conservative gun zealots will again shrug off the blood on their legislative hands with pavlovian worship of their supposed right to someday maybe rise up in armed-rebellion against the federal government. Republicans in Congress will again refuse to accept that the chronic mass shootings in America are indicative of how absurd their ideological supposition that easier gun access will make America more safe has always been.

Conservatives will again pray for the assaulted city and its dead, and again tell themselves liberals are disrespectful to the victims and survivors by passionately pleading for America to start regulating guns like all the other industrialized nations. They’ll again pick Thoughts&Prayers™ over anything else.

But conservatives very evidently aren’t praying hard enough, are they? Have they truly committed themselves fully to begging God to lay off a little with the endless mass murders? Conservatives are really letting America down by falling so piously short in their prayer game, aren’t they?

Every mass murder that occurs while the GOP neglects to responsibly regulate mass murder weapons reflects poorly on conservatives’ prayer abilities. In fact, I suspect few conservatives actually spend much time during the day praying for the end of mass shootings. Conservatives seem to waste a lot of free time they could spend praying by watching TV, scrolling on social media, and doing other recreational activities instead.

Quite likely, conservatives are really only remembering to pray for the end of gun violence when it’s currently frontpage headline news. Were any conservatives specifically praying to stop gun violence last Thursday? Maybe they casually throw in a mass shooting bit once every few nights or so during their nightly prayers while trying to fall asleep, but how dedicated are they really? If you ask me — if Christians are so confident Thoughts&Prayers™ can really work, in lieu of supporting common sense gun control — they ought to return to a more dedicated monasticism like Christians used to practice in the single-digit centuries. Conservatives should maybe quit their jobs, put a pause on all their hobbies, or at least delete their social media accounts so that they can pray day and night for hours at a time or as much as homeostatically possible to really try once and for all to convince God to finally put a stop to America’s mass shootings.

As it stands, the current amount of Thoughts&Prayers™ is conspicuously not enough. Every second they spend doing anything other than prayer is a second longer their prayer negligence enables God to allow more murdered innocent people. Christians better get on this!

But the Thoughts&Prayers™ beg the obvious question of why God allows mass shootings in His GrandMasterPlan® in the first place. And why would God change that plan just because conservatives ask him to a lot?

Maybe God really does help those who help themselves, like the old maxim goes. Perhaps God is only purposefully allowing mass shootings to continue happening at global outlier rates here in America because conservatives won’t stop refusing to help liberals enact sensible gun laws that countries around the world have proven are effective.

Regardless, conservatives are failing America in both action and thought.

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Dash MacIntyre
Dash MacIntyre

Written by Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.

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