A Trump Interview Never Aired Because He Was Too Unfiltered Just Leaked
The following is a transcript of an interview with Donald Trump Fox News decided not to air because of how unfiltered he was:
HANNITY: Let’s start off with your kids. You have a great family, and they’re following in your footsteps. Must make you proud. So how would you rate your kids’ work ethics in both your political career and within the Trump Organization?
TRUMP: Oh, tremendous. Truly some of the best kids ever. Don Jr. is doing great work, and balancing the business with a lot of campaigning and television appearances defending me, and Eric is helping him. Since Eric’s children’s cancer charity got shut down by the State of New York so unfairly for just a little bit of alleged fraud, he’s been helping out more at Trump Tower. And Jared is great, too. Everyone is being so unfair to him by assigning corrupt motives to his $2 billion investment from the Saudis. Nothing suspicious about that at all, I guarantee it. If you knew how innocent it was, it would blow your mind. You wouldn’t believe how innocent it is. It had absolutely nothing to do with the inter-palace coup we helped Mohammed bin Salman pull off. And we definitely didn’t sell the Saudis nuclear secrets in exchange for them letting me host some of their LIV golf tournaments at my golf courses. What a ridiculous rumor! It’s so absurd there’s no reason to even investigate or confiscate one of my accounting books.
HANNITY: And what about Ivanka? How would you rate her?
TRUMP: Total ten. Ten for her chest, ten for her legs, and her hips are unbelievable!
HANNITY: Oh, I meant her work performance.
TRUMP: Oh, ten for that as well. She’s just so smart. No one’s done more for women in probably all of history. She’s up there with the greats. What an incredible brain she has. Trump brain. Trumps have some of the biggest brains of all time. And she’s got big other things, too. But her brain is just tremendous, especially for a woman. A truly amazing woman. I’m sure she menstruates here and there, but she never lets you know when it’s happening. That’s very classy in a woman. And very rare. They usually never shut up about it! They get so nasty. But Ivanka’s a real doll. And don’t forget a genius thanks to her Trump brain. Our family just got really lucky with big brains. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I went to Wharton, graduated top of my class, made billions and billions.
HANNITY: Really, the top of your class?
TRUMP: I was tremendous. I was the best of the best. They wanted to give me a business degree after my first year because I was practically teaching all the professors. All my professors couldn’t believe the papers I turned in. They said, “Sir, your essays are the best we’ve ever read. You’ve deserved the Nobel Prize for economics every year you’ve studied here!” But you know that stuff is all rigged. I should have gotten the Nobel Peace Prize several times as president, and the one for medicine for my amazing work stopping COVID like magic, and obviously literature for The Art of the Deal. I barely paid attention in my business classes. In fact, I spent my time drawing city skylines with my name on every building, and planning my business strategies to get rich fast by never paying my contractors or taxes. That’s the Trump secret, which is why I was smarter than all my professors and top of my class. If they’re so smart, why are they paying taxes or their contractors? Only a genius thinks of that. Trust me, if you see my transcript you’ll see straight A’s.
HANNITY: Wow! Will you release your transcript to show the liberals and finally, once and for all, shut them up about their fake news of you being an idiot?
TRUMP: I’d love to, but it’s being audited. You know how it goes…
HANNITY: Couldn’t the university release your transcript?
TRUMP: If they do I will sue them for $5 billion… Cause of the audit. No one takes audit integrity more seriously than me, you know?
HANNITY: Of course, of course. And how are your other kids doing?
TRUMP: Stefanie is doing amazing, amazing things.
HANNITY: Do you mean Tiffany?
TRUMP: That’s what I said, Tiffany. Actually, Stefanie is her middle name, which I sometimes call her. I never misremember things. One of the great memories of all time.
HANNITY: Her name is Tiffany Stefanie Trump?
TRUMP: And she’s doing great. Somewhere between the ages of 25 and 35, and really doing so many amazing things, such as… And Barron is great, too. Melania really loves her son. They’re very close. They speak in Slovenian all the time, and they have a lot of fun together. Every time I walk in the room they start saying jokes in Slovenian, and they burst out laughing.
HANNITY: What do you think the lasting impact of Melania’s “Be Best” was?
TRUMP: She actually has more of a D-chest, not B cups. But, honestly, Melania is starting to sag a bit. She’s getting up there in years. Usually when my wives pass forty-five, it’s time for me to upgrade and get a new model so to speak, but this time was a little different because the Christians, they really don’t like divorce, and I need their votes. You know how it goes.
HANNITY: I meant Melania’s “Be Best” campaign… the anti-bullying project?
TRUMP: Ohhhhh! “Be Best!” It went so, so great. Way better than anything Michelle Obama ever did. I know I’ve learned so much about bullying. It’s made me see things in a new light. Like how much the fake news bullies me. I’m the nicest president, probably of all time, and they’re so mean to me. No one has ever been treated more unfairly in life than me.
HANNITY: The fake news media will never understand or acknowledge your greatness, just like they’ll never understand real America. The fake news at this point is practically addicted to lying about you. It’s like, so what, you had some illegal immigrants concentrated indefinitely in camps with substandard living conditions, but that’s the furthest thing from a concentration camp! It’s not even close! And you went around allegedly dividing the country every chance you got by calling the media “sub-human vermin,” Mexicans “rapists,” Blacks “thugs,” and liberals “traitors who should be shot,” but you’re the furthest thing from divisive. If anything, you’re uniting the country with hatred for the slight majority of the country that voted against you. Liberals are just losers who can’t accept the fact that their three decades of popular vote victories aren’t enough to win them majority representative power or a Supreme Court majority. Babies, right?
TRUMP: And they’re even mean to Ivanka. How could you be mean to her? Look at her. She’s beautiful! Such a hot piece of meat you just want to poke and squeeze. She’s sizzling. You just want to take her off the grill and drizzle ketchup all over her. Get it nice and glistening. Her body is like a mouth-watering, well-done steak. I’d eat it — if she wasn’t my daughter, of course.
HANNITY: Woah, haha, no filter, everybody! This President just says what he thinks. And that’s why America loves you. You’re a blue collar billionaire who says exactly what he’s thinking!
TRUMP: Sometimes I think about what I’d look like as a girl. Ivanka is tremendous, but she has only half my genes. I have 100% of my genes. Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I were a girl? I’d love to see myself at 13. Yowza! I’d be a piece of ass I could do locker room talk about all day! I’d have to keep myself away from Epstein, if you know what I mean! Or, from what they say, you know? I barely even knew him. If he was here in this room with you and me, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. Maybe he got coffee for me one time. Everyone is talking about how they never saw me at his parties, or private islands, or the birthday parties he apparently used to throw for me. But yeah, I’d have one of the great bodies if I were a broad. And tremendous tits. Way bigger than I have now. I’ll tell you what, though, I wouldn’t have any kids if I were a chick. I’d keep my body untainted by that gross stuff. As soon as all my wives had kids, their bodies went straight down the toilet. You just can’t respect or admire a woman after she’s carried a baby around for nine months and become a mother. People call it a beautiful miracle, but it makes me want to throw up. And it’s a total boner killer. It’s like pregnant women just give up on having a thin waist around month five or so. Nothing ruins a woman and turns her into a hag faster than getting pregnant.
HANNITY: Telling it like it is! No lame political-correctness from you, Mr. President. The libs are so owned right now. Get me my cup of liberal tears!
TRUMP: The only good thing about a pregnant wife is that she stops having a period for nine months, and stops bleeding all over the place from her wherever. What a relief those nine months are! But the birth thing is just a total mess. I can’t watch it. I always let my wives do that stuff totally on their own. And I let the mothers raise the kids. I call the kids on their birthdays and stuff, but it’s like, “See me when you’re 18.” And it works. My kids turned out so great. Who knew parenting was so easy? My dumb ex-wives always said it was hard doing everything themselves while I was at work or taking other women out furniture shopping, but they didn’t have a Trump brain so I can see why it was difficult for them.
HANNITY: Incredible. Thank you so much for granting me this interview. Can I massage your feet for you now? Would you like to spit in my mouth? Mr. President, it would be the honor of my life if you spit right into my mouth right now. 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my Substack The Halfway Café to get my work right to your inbox, and consider becoming a paid member so you can help me write full-time!
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter, Threads, or Bluesky to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
