A Secret Service Agent Revealed What It’s Like Working For Trump
An anonymously delivered stash of Secret Service memos is revealing secrets about Donald Trump, and the memos variously describe Trump as “needy,” “fussy,” “whiny,” “high-maintenance,” “emotionally volatile,” “morally destitute,” “functionally illiterate,” “needlessly cruel to his underlings,” and “foul-smelling like a garbage bag full of roast beef sandwiches that has been left out in the sun for a week.”
The memos also revealed the following details about Trump’s life behind the scenes:
- Trump never once rode in a car with Melania or Barron because Melania forbid it.
- The Secret Service had to start offering bonuses to drivers of the presidential limousine because Trump smelled so bad. The agents quietly went on strike in March of 2017 refusing to drive him without extra “stench pay.” It made Trump furious because the strike made him miss a few days of golf, and he had to stay inside and suffer through the boredom of actually reading his presidential briefings.
- Trump regularly tried to choke out his Secret Service drivers when they refused to stop at the McDonald’s drive-through citing the security risks of sitting still in line and getting trapped by other cars for five or more minutes.
- Trump was a big fan of the Swedish pop group ABBA, and on motorcade rides liked to blast “Dancing Queen” very loudly so he wouldn’t have to listen to advisers read him his boring presidential briefings.
- The floor mats in the back seats of the presidential limousine had to be replaced monthly because of how much fried chicken Trump would eat messily on his way to rallies and coat the fabric with grease. On long drives, Trump would sleep and always leave orange stains on the seats and seat belt straps.
- Trump used to once a month go on a drive with Kevin McCarthy 45-minutes into the middle of nowhere in Virginia farm country, and leave him there to walk back to D.C.
- Trump would often fart, and then blame the driver.
- The cloth seats of the vehicles Trump rode in were regularly stained with orange foundation makeup and blue Adderall dust. Sometimes Trump would throw burgers he brought for snacks against the windshield when he’d hear bad news. The Secret Service found this an incredibly reckless, potentially catastrophic security threat given that they’d have to stop the vehicle and wipe off the smeared ketchup.
- Trump watched porn on his phone a lot during car rides, and never seemed to read anything even when staffers brought along briefing reports for him.
- Following every meeting with an Asian diplomat or leader, Trump would talk with an exaggerated Asian accent for fifteen minutes.
- Every Secret Service agent has heard Trump recommend they spend their next vacation in Moscow because “the Russian girls are into some crazy stuff.”
- During international events and global summits, Trump would always “accidentally” walk into the women’s bathrooms, which was always really awkward for Secret Service agents to have to witness.
- The Secret Service had to triple its golf cart fleet and pay for storage space in foreign countries to store them because Trump refused to walk anywhere, even when attending ceremonial events outside with other leaders, including female leaders wearing heels.
- Trump repeatedly asked Secret Service agents in the week leading up to January 6th if, hypothetically, it would be possible to “pull a Princess Diana” on Vice President Mike Pence.
- After every motorcade ride for four years straight, Trump told his drivers “I’d tip you but I don’t have any cash, so I promise I’ll tip you big on the next one.” The Secret Service also heard him say that to every Mar-a-Lago employee who served him, his golf caddies, and various hotel staff members when staying in foreign countries.
- While being driven to campaign events, Trump would regularly complain to agents about his supporters’ lackluster “star power,” and accuse Hollywood of “rigging hot people against him” by brainwashing most movie stars and models to hate him. One conversation recorded in a voice memo text captured Trump saying, “The MAGA people are all missing teeth, and ugly. Yuck. I don’t get enough donations from my MAGA dupes to pay any hot people to come to my rallies. I can barely afford all the ‘Blacks for Trump’ people I bring!”
- 95% of Secret Service agents’ COVID infections were directly linked to Trump demanding no one around him wear a mask, and half of them were directly or indirectly related to the infamous car ride he took while staying at the hospital with a nearly fatal COVID infection so he could pretend he wasn’t about to die.
- Trump once ordered a Secret Service agent to run over his son Eric after Eric revealed he had given a children’s cancer charity a 1% discount for booking consecutive fundraisers at a Trump property.
- When playing golf, Trump made every Secret Service agent carry three of his golf balls in their pockets for him to cheat with.
- The Secret Service had to regularly invent excuses for why women Trump invited to ride alone in a car with him couldn’t in order to save the government millions in under-the-table hush money payouts.
- A few times when Trump was napping on long car rides, Secret Service agents could tell from Trump mumbling in his sleep that he was having a sex dream about Nancy Pelosi or Angela Merkel.
- Trump asked a few SS agents in his first month of his first term if they could “make Eric disappear.”
- Trump would occasionally make suggestive comments to agents like, “You know, in Russia and North Korea, their security agencies will push the leader’s political enemies out of windows…”
- Trump often told generals and other military officials they should watch more WWII movies about the Nazis to understand the military vibe he wanted to see.
- Trump would regularly make long phone calls where he’d listen a lot, and say things like, “NATO is ripping us off, you’re right,” “Ukraine is ripping us off, you’re right,” and “the US should tell Poland, the Baltic states, South Korea, Japan, and the European Union to fuck off, you’re right,” and then announce after he hung up, “That wasn’t Putin I was talking to by the way, it was — uh — Barron, yeah, Barron was asking me questions about his homework.”
- Trump once asked the head of the Secret Service, “Why do we call you the SS if you won’t do any of the stuff Hitler’s SS did?” 🥃
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