A Newly Discovered STD Was Just Named After Donald Trump
A recent discovery of a new sexually transmitted disease has just given President Donald Trump his life’s latest honor.
The disease, scientifically classified as Trumporrhea trachomatis, is a mushroom-shaped bacterium that infects primarily one’s urethra, and turns the surrounding skin surface area orange in a manner that its medical discover thought bore a striking resemblance to Mr. Trump’s penchant for orange foundation makeup.
“The skin’s orange reaction in a Trumporrhea trachomatis infection tends to kind of flare out from the urethra’s opening, but in circumcised men it rarely extends to the edge of the penile head,” explained Dr. Harold Weinerman, the doctor who discovered it.
Dr. Weinerman also preemptively clarified that, yes, his surname inspired his chosen field of medical study.
“The moment my lab recognized the orange discoloring as a trademark indicator of a Trumporrhea infection,” Weinerman continued, “I knew I had to give credit where credit was due. The STD’s common visual symptomology almost perfectly imitates former President Trump’s classic, minstrel-esque makeup look where he paints himself real orange, but doesn’t quite blend his facial foundation all the way into his hairline. And the way Trump seems to lose interest while applying his makeup when he gets to his jaw so that there’s always a distinctive border descending below his ears and chin where his neck and throat are just a completely different color from his face. I myself thought it also amusing that another common symptom of Trumporrhea is a burning sensation while urinating, just like America’s democracy gets a burning sensation every time the President opens his mouth and whines about fake news, election fraud, and how mean and unfair everyone in the world is to him.”
Dr. Weinerman said he wanted to assure everyone that Trumporrhea is not a disease to worry much about, as it is easily treated with antibiotics.
“Trumporrhea’s cell walls are so quickly burst through by penicillin during treatment,” said Weinerman, “that I like to think Trumporrhea bacteriums yell out just before dying that biology is ‘rigged against it.’ And it probably hates me for accurately diagnosing it as an STD, so it probably calls any diagnosis of it a ‘hoax,’ and yells out in its little microscopic voice that I and the rest of my medical team are ‘enemies of the people.’ And when we diagnose patients with Trumporrhea, it probably holds a little STD press conference saying, ‘Chlamydia, if you’re listening, hack Dr. Weinerman’s emails!’ And it tells infected patients’ most gullible, nearby penile skin cells that its orange inflammation is going to ‘Make the Penis Great Again,’ in between leading chants of ‘Orange the head! Orange the head!’ I’ve thought of like a hundred of these, and could keep going all day. Nothing has given me more pleasure and satisfaction in my career than naming an STD after Donald Trump, who is without a doubt the stupidest, most derangedly narcissistic president we’ve ever had.” 🥃
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