A Newly Discovered STD Was Just Named After Donald Trump

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJun 14, 2022
(Official White House Photo by Tia Dufour listed as Public Domain CC 1.0)

A recent discovery of a new sexually transmitted disease has just given President Donald Trump his life’s latest honor.

The disease, scientifically classified as Trumporrhea trachomatis, is a mushroom-shaped bacterium that infects primarily one’s urethra, and turns the surrounding skin surface area orange in a manner that its medical discover thought bore a striking resemblance to Mr. Trump’s penchant for orange foundation makeup.

“The skin’s orange reaction in a Trumporrhea trachomatis infection tends to kind of flare out from the urethra’s opening, but in circumcised men it rarely extends to the edge of the penile head,” explained Dr. Harold Weinerman, the doctor who discovered it.

Dr. Weinerman also preemptively clarified that, yes, his surname inspired his chosen field of medical study.

“The moment my lab recognized the orange discoloring as a trademark indicator of a Trumporrhea infection,” Weinerman continued, “I knew I had to give credit where credit was due. The STD’s common visual symptomology almost perfectly imitates former President Trump’s classic, minstrel-esque makeup look where he paints himself real orange, but doesn’t quite blend his facial foundation all the way into his hairline. And the way Trump seems to lose interest while applying his makeup when he gets to his jaw so that there’s always a distinctive border descending below his ears and chin where his neck and throat are just a completely different color from his face. I myself thought it also amusing that another common symptom of Trumporrhea is a burning sensation while urinating, just like America’s democracy gets a burning sensation every time the President opens his mouth and whines about fake news, election fraud, and how mean and unfair everyone in the world is to him.”

Dr. Weinerman said he wanted to assure everyone that Trumporrhea is not a disease to worry much about, as it is easily treated with antibiotics.

“Trumporrhea’s cell walls are so quickly burst through by penicillin during treatment,” said Weinerman, “that I like to think Trumporrhea bacteriums yell out just before dying that biology is ‘rigged against it.’ And it probably hates me for accurately diagnosing it as an STD, so it probably calls any diagnosis…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.