A Day In The Life Of Our New Co-President, Elon Musk
How America’s new egotistical overlord lives his life!
5:30am — Elon wakes up in a makeshift bed at the Twitter HQ in sheets he hasn’t washed since taking over the company.
5:31am — Elon opens his Twitter app to see if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while he was asleep. Then he checks Stephen King’s page. Then he searches “Elon Musk,” and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for an hour. His most used emoji is the cry-laughing emoji. He posts his first of 13 pictures he’ll post today of AI art of himself looking like Iron Man.
6:37am — Elon opens up his Reddit app to start perusing good memes he can steal without giving credit. After finding one, Elon posts it, and then switches through several burner Twitter accounts he maintains commenting iterations of “Elon Musk should do stand-up,” “Elon Musk is the Dave Chapelle of tech bros,” and “Netflix should give Elon Musk an hour-long comedy special.”
6:56am — Elon switches to another burner account and tweets, “As a gay Black Democrat, I totally agree that the liberal Woke mind virus is ruining society.” Then he switches to his real account, and retweets it with “True.”
7:30am — Elon goes to the bathroom and monitors the near translucency of his pale skin while washing his hands. His barrel chest looks like it’s still getting bigger. He contemplates various tattoos he could get that would totally own the libs. He writes down “My pronouns are I’m Rich Bitch” into his “Tattoo Ideas” note on his phone.
8:01am — Morning meeting with his “hardcore engineers” who depend on their jobs at Twitter for American visa status, and have no choice but to essentially be Elon Musk’s 24-hour tech slaves if they want to stay in the US:
- Elon tells them he wants them to shadowban all tweets referencing his father’s emerald mine, his weird jumping, his previous balding, his technically illegal immigration to the US, or his companies’ dependence on federal subsidies.
- Elon asks if there’s a way to retroactively change the results of his Twitter poll from a year ago that proved a majority of Twitter users want him to stop serving as the company’s CEO. Elon asks if it would be believable if he tweeted out that the poll was rigged by employees bitter about him firing 80% of the company, and he actually won the poll significantly.
- Elon looks at the three funny meme ideas he forces every Twitter employee to find each night and print out as “evening homework” to bring in the next morning for Elon to consider tweeting out.
- Elon asks the Twitter head of PR if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while they were conducting the meeting.
9:04am — Elon tweets about how his blue checkmark system has made Twitter a level-playing field. Then he claims freedom of speech is terrifying Woke journalists at legacy institutions because X is the place for real, legitimate citizen news now. Then he tweets a “that’s what she said” joke.
9:06am — Elon gets a call from an Indian government official who wants a tweet critical of the Modi government taken down, so Elon takes it down.
9:10am — Elon retweets a tweet from @HistoryBuff1488 about how Democrats are deranged socialists.
9:12am — Elon calls his team of Diablo 4 players and tells them to get him to #1 on the international leaderboard.
9:15am — Elon ignores a phone call from a Tesla board of directors member.
9:16am — Elon listens to a voicemail from that member of Tesla’s board of directors begging him to stop alienating and attacking liberals with Twitter toxicity, and stop doing childish and juvenile things like changing logos to the Dogecoin dog.
9:17am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to change the profile picture on Tesla’s Twitter account to the Dogecoin dog.
9:19am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to make the Dogecoin dog picture go live at 4:20 Pacific time.
9:21am — Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to announce that Tesla will be unveiling a special edition Model Y to be sold for $69,000 on June 9th.
9:22am — Elon goes to the bathroom, and spends 45 minutes sitting on the toilet looking for a meme to steal until his legs go numb. Searches “Musk emerald mine” and “Musk illegal immigrant” on X, and is furious to find the tweets have not been successfully shadow-banned yet.
10:07am — Elon decides Twitter is spending too much money on toilet paper while it’s still losing millions of dollars every day, and he thinks up a new rule where every Twitter employee gets only three squares of toilet paper per day. Elon drafts a quick, company-wide memo detailing this new policy, and reminds every employee they all signed pledges to be “hardcore.”
10:10am — Elon sends a second company-wide memo reminding all employees they also signed NDA’s restricting their privilege to discuss internal company policies with the media.
10:16am — Elon wonders briefly if his abandonment-style parenting of his kids is continuing a toxic family cycle.
10:26am — Elon searches “Elon Musk” on Twitter, and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for an hour. He finds a few memes he can steal and post later. Forgets to un-like those tweets with memes so it’s obvious who he stole them from.
10:32am — Elon calls Diablo 4 players and says he wants to film himself beating a boss right now.
11:27am — After losing to the boss 16 times, Elon finally beats the boss.
11:31am — Elon uploads a video of the global scoreboard that shows him at #1.
11:42am — He gets upset for a moment when he reads a tweet from a prominent Democratic Congressman asking why the richest person in the world, who is CEO of 3 of the biggest companies in America and now has a special government job, wants to be on the leaderboard of a video game.
12:00pm —Elon starts a 2-hour meeting with the Trump presidential transition team where he is made painfully aware that Donald Trump will be impossible to work with because he changes his mind constantly based on whatever the last thing someone said to him was.
1:27pm — Elon tries to delicately interrupt Trump, who had been ranting about using the Air Force to destroy wind turbines and using the US Navy to kill sharks for the last six minutes.
2:12pm — Elon wanders around his Texas compound looking for furniture pieces or appliances he could take a picture of himself holding to post with a pun.
2:19pm — Elon writes down in his “Ideas” note in his phone, “Picture of me holding a toaster with burned bread in it with the caption ‘The liberal Woke Hive Mind is toast.’”
2:23pm — Elon retweets a tweet from @SiegHeilFan1933 claiming Elon Musk and Donald Trump are the biggest geniuses in world history.
2:28 pm— Elon tweets several AI photos of himself as superheroes.
2:24pm — Elon takes a phone call with a Chinese government official regarding which Chinese Twitter accounts he should censor in exchange for the right to someday build another Tesla manufacturing plant in China.
2:52pm — Elon calls a tech bro buddy, and asks if he has any ideas for another company Elon Musk can buy his way into, fire the founders, get federal grants for funding, and then pretend he started the company and made it successful all with his visionary mind.
3:00pm — Elon conducts his afternoon meeting with his chief X engineers, in which they brainstorm a weekly list of X updates they can push out. Engineers cheer and yell out, “Genius!” when Elon suggests that at 4:20 every day the “like” heart button turns green when you push it instead of the usual red. Elon struggles to think of a way to incorporate a “69” themed joke for 15 minutes.
3:43pm — Elon asks his coders to tell him truthfully what they think about the democratized blue checkmark policies. After a long silence, one coder asks to confirm if Elon truly wants an honest, constructive opinion. After Elon says yes, the coder suggests that Twitter publicly admits the changes to the verification process have not worked out as intended, and that, because famous and viral users understandably have no interest in paying one of the world’s richest people to create most of the viral content for his increasingly toxic and militantly abrasive social media platform, Twitter will reverse the changes and go back to the old policies that, while not perfect, did both protect high profile users’ brands and identities as well as ensure Twitter was the world’s premier source of legitimate breaking news and professional commentary with minimal but necessary censorship designed to prevent the platform from becoming a swamp of trollish bullying at best and a cesspool of racist genocidal propaganda at worst.
3:45pm — Elon fires that coder.
4:06pm — Elon returns to his nest of dirty sheets, and spends the rest of the night responding to verified users with 6 followers the cry-laughing emoji.
8:53pm — Elon texts Dave Chappelle, “What’s up?”
9:07pm — Elon posts several more AI photos of himself as superheroes.
10:15pm — Elon texts Dave, “Remember when I said I’M RICH BITCH onstage to all your fans? You should bring me onstage again sometime lol.”
10:19pm — Elon notices his Dave texts are on “read.”
10:47pm — Elon gets a text, “This is Dave Chappelle’s agent. Please remove the blue checkmark from Dave’s X account as soon as possible.”
11:13pm — Elon checks one last time to see what @Catturd2 has tweeted tonight, and sees that @Catturd2 is angry at him because he’s paying the $8 but all the comments under his posts are for porn accounts. Elon sighs, and wonders if he needs to just step back and take himself out of the public spotlight for a while, put his head down and focus, and start letting his actions speak for themselves rather than talking too much about everything and subjecting everyone to his every thought injecting himself into every topic in the national discussion with a self-destructive impulsiveness reinforced by the hubris of his dumb friends surrounding him with yes-men enthusiasm and brown-nosing opportunism to ride on his coattails.
11:16pm — Elon retweets a tweet that says Nancy Pelosi’s husband sucks dick for crack.
11:39 — Elon checks the Diablo 4 leaderboard, and is furious to find out he has dropped down in the rankings to #4. He calls and wakes up his players to get to work immediately. 🥃
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my Substack The Halfway Café to get my work right to your inbox.
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter or Threads to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
