HE’S NOT JUST LIKE US
A Day In The Life Of Elon Musk
A look at what Musk’s life is really like at the Twitter headquarters.
5:30 am- Elon wakes up in a makeshift bed at the Twitter HQ in sheets he hasn’t washed since taking over the company.
5:31 am- Elon opens his Twitter app to see if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while he was asleep. Then he checks Stephen King’s page. Then checks to make sure LeBron James’s blue checkmark is still showing. Then he searches “Elon Musk,” and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for an hour. His most used emoji is the cry-laughing emoji.
6:37 am- Elon opens up his Reddit app to start perusing good memes he can steal without giving credit. After finding one, Elon posts it, and then switches through several burner Twitter accounts he maintains commenting iterations of “Elon Musk should do stand-up,” “Elon Musk is the Dave Chapelle of tech bros,” and “Netflix should give Elon Musk an hour-long comedy special.”
6:56 am- Elon switches to another burner account and tweets, “As a gay Black Democrat, I totally agree that the liberal Woke mind virus is ruining society.” Then he switches to his real account, and retweets it with “True.”
7:30 am- Elon goes to the bathroom and monitors the near translucency of his pale skin while washing his hands. He contemplates various tattoos he could get that would totally own the libs. He writes down “My pronouns are I’m Rich Bitch” into his “Tattoo Ideas” note on his phone.
8:01 am- Morning meeting with his “hardcore engineers” who depend on their jobs at Twitter for US visa status, and have no choice but to essentially be Elon Musk’s 24-hour tech slaves if they want to keep their lives in America:
- Elon tells them he wants them to shadow ban all tweets referencing his father’s emerald mine.
- Elon asks if there’s a way to retroactively change the results of his Twitter poll that proved a majority of Twitter users want him to stop serving as the company’s CEO. Elon asks if it would be believable if he tweeted out that the poll was rigged by employees bitter about him firing 80% of the company, and he actually won the poll significantly.
- Elon looks at the three funny meme ideas he forces each and every Twitter employee to find and print out as “evening homework” to bring in the next morning for Elon to consider tweeting out.
- Elon asks how awesome was it that he painted over the “W” in the building’s sign, spelling “Titter,” and asks how funny it would be if he painted over more of the letters so the name spells just “Tit.”
- Elon asks his head of PR if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while they were conducting the meeting.
9:04 am- Elon tweets about how his new blue checkmark system is making Twitter a level-playing field, and that’s why freedom of speech is so terrifying for Woke journalists at legacy institutions.
9:06 am- Elon gets a call from an Indian government official who wants a tweet critical of the Modi government taken down, so Elon takes it down.
9:10 am- Elon retweets a tweet from @HistoryBuff1488 about how Joe Biden is a deranged socialist.
9:11 am- Elon sends a memo to his Twitter engineers to shadow ban any tweet that references how much federal grant money Tesla and SpaceX have each received from the government.
9:15 am- Elon ignores a phone call from a member of Tesla’s board of directors.
9:16 am- Elon listens to a voicemail from that member of Tesla’s board of directors begging him to stop alienating and attacking liberals with Twitter toxicity, stop doing childish and juvenile things like changing the Twitter bird logo to the Dogecoin dog.
9:17 am: Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to change the profile picture on Tesla’s Twitter account to the Dogecoin dog.
9:19 am- Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to make the Dogecoin dog picture go live at 4:20 Pacific time.
9:21 am- Elon texts Tesla’s PR director to announce that Tesla will be unveiling a special edition Model Y to be sold for $69,000 on June 9th.
9:22 am- Elon goes to the bathroom, and spends 45 minutes sitting on the toilet looking for a meme to steal until his legs go numb. Searches “Musk emerald mine” on Twitter, and is furious to find the tweets have not been successfully shadowbanned yet. Goes to Stephen King’s profile to see if King wants him to drop the price of Twitter verification any lower.
10:07 am- Elon decides Twitter is spending too much money on toilet paper while it’s still losing millions of dollars every day, and he thinks up a new rule where every Twitter employee gets only three squares of toilet paper per day. Elon drafts a quick, company-wide memo detailing this new policy, and reminds every employee they all signed pledges to be “hardcore.”
10:10 am- Elon sends a second memo reminding all employees they also signed NDA’s restricting their privilege to discuss internal company policies with the media.
10:16 am- Elon wonders briefly if his abandonment-style parenting of his kids is continuing the toxic cycle of bad fathering for which he hated his own dad.
10:26 am- Elon searches “Elon Musk” on Twitter, and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for several hours. He finds a few memes he can steal and post later. Forgets to un-like those tweets with memes so it’s obvious who he stole them from.
2:12 pm- Elon wanders around Twitter HQ looking for furniture pieces or appliances he could take a picture of himself holding to post with a pun.
2:19 pm- Elon writes down in his “Ideas” note in his phone, “picture of me holding a toaster with burned bread in it with the caption ‘Legacy checkmarks are toast.’”
2:23 pm- Elon retweets a tweet from @SiegHeilFan1933 claiming leftists are turning America into the Chinese Communist Party.
2:24 pm- Elon takes a phone call with a Chinese government official regarding economic permissions for another Tesla manufacturing plant in China.
2:52 pm- Elon calls a tech bro buddy, and asks if he has any ideas for another company Elon Musk can buy his way into, fire the founders, get government grants for funding, and then pretend he started the company and made it successful all with his visionary mind.
3:00 pm- Elon conducts his afternoon meeting with his chief Twitter engineers, in which they brainstorm a weekly list of Twitter updates they can push out. Engineers cheer and yell out, “Genius!” when Elon suggests that at 4:20 every day the “like” heart button turns green when you push it instead of the usual red. Elon struggles to think of a way to incorporate a “69” themed joke for 15 minutes.
3:43 pm- Elon asks his coders to tell him truthfully what they think about the new blue checkmark policies. After a long silence, one coder asks to confirm if Elon truly wants an honest, constructive opinion. After Elon says yes, the coder suggests that Twitter publicly admits the changes to the verification process have not worked out as intended, and that, because famous and viral users understandably have no interest in paying one of the world’s richest people to create most of the viral content for his increasingly toxic and militantly abrasive social media platform, Twitter will reverse the changes and go back to the old policies that, while not perfect, did both protect high profile users’ brands and identities as well as ensure Twitter was the world’s premier source of legitimate breaking news and professional commentary with minimal but necessary censorship designed to prevent the platform from becoming a swamp of trollish bullying at best and a cesspool of racist genocidal propaganda at worst.
3:44 pm- Elon fires that coder.
4:06 pm- Elon returns to his nest of dirty sheets, and spends the rest of the evening responding to random verified users with 6 followers the cry-laughing emoji.
8:53 pm- Elon texts Dave Chappelle, “What’s up?”
9:27 pm- Elon texts Dave a meme about a trans woman.
10:15 pm- Elon texts Dave, “Remember when I said I’M RICH BITCH onstage to all your fans? You should bring me onstage again sometime lol.”
10:19 pm- Elon notices his Dave texts are on “read,” but Dave has not responded.
10:47 pm- Elon gets a text, “This is Dave Chappelle’s agent. Please remove the blue checkmark from Dave’s Twitter account as soon as possible.”
11:13 pm- Elon checks one last time to see what @Catturd2 has tweeted, and sees that @Catturd2 is angry at him because he’s paying the $8 but the tab for verified notifications says, “Nothing to see here — yet.” Elon sighs, and wonders if he needs to just step back and take himself out of the public spotlight for a while, put his head down, and start letting his actions speak for themselves rather than injecting himself into every topic in the national discussion with a self-destructive impulsiveness driven by the hubris of surrounding himself with yes-men and brown-nosers.
11:16 pm- Elon retweets a tweet that says Nancy Pelosi’s husband sucks dick for crack, and he goes to sleep.
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