A Day In The Life Of A Woke, Satanic, Communist Democrat

A step-by-step guide on how to live like a liberal.

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readMay 27


Photo by Jack Prommel on Unsplash

8:30am — Wake up to the sound of a screaming newborn baby, and say quick morning prayers to the three S’s: Satan, Stalin, and Soros.

8:31am — Put on a scary Halloween mask to terrify the baby, and gets its adrenaline level up. Then perform a post-birth abortion on that baby while listening to NPR’s Morning News Edition.

8:33am — Begin draining the sweet, youthful, adrenochrome-filled blood into a hollowed out dildo. Using a quill and some of the baby’s blood, write down a reminder on a post-it note to donate to NPR and get their free tote bag.

8:40am — Once drained, put the baby’s corpse into a box addressed to Hillary Clinton if it’s an odd-numbered day, or Nancy Pelosi if it’s an even-numbered day.

8:41am — Put several Ruth Bader-Ginsburg themed stamps on it, and, just for good measure, write “I ❤️ CRITICAL RACE THEORY” on the box, followed by “DEFUND THE POLICE” and “ANTIFA 4EVR.”

8:43am — Pour the dildo of baby blood into a blender, and add fresh, organic fruit from an Oregon farm worked exclusively by weed-smoking hippies who evaded the draft and made America lose the Vietnam War. Sprinkle in a few shredded up Bible pages and rainbow marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms. Taste it, and decide it needs “a little more gay.” Pour in the rest of the rainbow marshmallows.

8:45am — Step outside to smoke a joint, and blow the smoke in the faces of all the children walking to school. Hand out vapes, weed edibles, temporary tattoos of pentagrams, burned CDs of death metal music, Bernie Sanders “Feel the Bern” stickers, boxed sets of RuPaul’s Drag Race DVDs, and porn magazines to the elementary schoolers, and tell them, “You just got groomed, come see me when you turn 18.”

9:00am — Watch last night’s Rachel Maddow show while burning a Bible like it’s sage to repel God from the apartment.

10:00am — Conference call with Mark Zuckerberg and other Big Tech executives about which conservatives deserve censoring and shadow-banning today. Agree that Google should display several results pages of news articles about the time Ted Cruz liked a porn video…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at twitter.com/HalfwayPost to read my Dada news.