Trump’s Stupidest Excuses So Far For Stealing Nuclear Secrets

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readAug 12, 2022
(Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead / Public Domain CC 1.0)

These are the greatest hits so far of Donald Trump’s excuses for allegedly getting busted mishandling top secret nuclear documents and being investigated for espionage:

  • “I checked out all those nuclear secrets from Obama’s presidential library in Chicago! He’s the one mishandling top secret nuclear secrets, not me!”
  • “Melania took those out of the White House, not me! And I overheard her one day saying something very suspicious about how the Slovenian government would be very happy to see those top secret nuclear files. I was just about to report her when the FBI raided Mar-a-Lago!”
  • “Joe Biden mailed all the nuclear secrets to me along with a birthday card to his granddaughter. You know how senile and brain-dead he is, so he must have gotten confused.”
  • “Barron was using those nuclear documents for a school science project!”
  • “The FBI planted those nuclear secrets when they came by! They also planted all the Adderall pills that were in my office, and all the folders of blackmail on Republican members of Congress, and all the burner phones. None of those were mine! The FBI also planted a lot of very compelling evidence in Melania’s room that she’s been having several affairs behind my back.”
  • “All the letters, subpoenas, and warrants are addressed to Donald Trump, but how can we be sure they weren’t meant for my son, Donald Trump Jr.? We have the same name! It’s impossible to tell who they’re investigating! I know I didn’t steal anything, but I can’t say the same for him. He was always snooping around the White House when he came over to visit. Very suspicious!”
  • “If Biden claims to care so much about unity in America and ending our political divisions, why doesn’t he pardon me and drop all these espionage investigations against me? If he lets me be president for the next two years and have the second half of his term, it will be so good for unity!”
  • “I declassified everything I took, so there’s nothing wrong with me having these nuclear secrets. Or for selling them to Saudi Arabia. I only made $5 per page. Mohammed bin Salman said I was missing some of the most important pages, so he totally backed out of our original deal. So everyone calm down. In…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.