Trump’s Stupidest Excuses So Far For Stealing Nuclear Secrets

(Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead / Public Domain CC 1.0)

These are the greatest hits so far of Donald Trump’s excuses for allegedly getting busted mishandling top secret nuclear documents and being investigated for espionage:

• “I checked out all those nuclear secrets from Obama’s presidential library in Chicago! He’s the one mishandling top secret nuclear secrets, not me!”
• “Melania took those out of the White House, not me! And I overheard her one day saying something very suspicious about how the Slovenian government would be very happy to see those top secret nuclear files. I was just about to report her when the FBI raided Mar-a-Lago!”
• “Joe Biden mailed all the nuclear secrets to me along with a birthday card to his granddaughter. You know how senile and brain-dead he is, so he must have gotten confused.”
• “Barron was using those nuclear documents for a school science project!”
• “The FBI planted those nuclear secrets when they came by! They also planted all the Adderall pills that were in my office, and all the folders of blackmail on Republican members of Congress, and all the burner phones. None of those were mine! The FBI also planted a lot of very compelling evidence in Melania’s room that she’s been having several affairs behind my back.”
• “All the letters, subpoenas, and warrants are addressed to Donald Trump, but how can we be sure they weren’t meant for my son, Donald Trump Jr.? We have the same name! It’s impossible to tell who they’re investigating! I know I didn’t steal anything, but I can’t say the same for him. He was always snooping around the White House when he came over to visit. Very suspicious!”
• “If Biden claims to care so much about unity in America and ending our political divisions, why doesn’t he pardon me and drop all these espionage investigations against me? If he lets me be president for the next two years and have the second half of his term, it will be so good for unity!”
• “I declassified everything I took, so there’s nothing wrong with me having these nuclear secrets. Or for selling them to Saudi Arabia. I only made $5 per page. Mohammed bin Salman said I was missing some of the most important pages, so he totally backed out of our original deal. So everyone calm down. In the interest of cooling off some of the political tensions in America, I will take the $150 that I made selling these documents to the Saudis and donate it to Planned Parenthood to make the socialists happy.”
• “Why am I being investigated before Obama? He’s the Black one! There’s no way I stole as much from the government as he did! Did you know his middle name is ‘Hussein’?”
• “I sent a guy down to Kenya to investigate Obama selling nuclear secrets to the Kenyan government, and you wouldn’t believe what my guy is finding! It’s the worst of the worst you could imagine. Everyone’s talking about it, and I’ll publicly announce his findings in two weeks!”
• “Eric did it. Send him to jail for a very long time. What he did was so bad, and he deserves to rot in prison. He also did all the fraud in the Trump Organization, and all the tax evasion was his idea, and all the other crimes. Lock up Eric, and throw away the keys. I won’t even ever visit him in jail because of how unlawful he is! He all by himself without any of my knowledge made me look like a crooked criminal, and he deserves the full penalty for every crime the Trump Organization ever committed. Because it was all him. My only crime was trusting, and loving, my son Eric too much.”
• “A lot of people don’t know this, but I read the Bible every day after lunch for an hour. So when I was president, and I’d find a Bible passage I really liked, I’d just ask whoever was in the room to give me a sheet of paper to mark the page that had a really good quote about Jesus leading the Jews out of Israel, or Jesus saving all the animals on the Ark, or Jesus defeating the Minotaur, or whatever other great lessons Jesus had that really inspired me. I guess a lot of those documents I was given to mark my place had a bunch of classified nuclear secrets, so it was totally just a big accident that when I left the White House my Bible was filled with all these nuclear documents. I was only using them as bookmarks!”

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