TRUMP’S OFFER

Trump Says He’s Willing To Make A Deal To Not Be Indicted & Arrested

Dash MacIntyre

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(Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)

Donald Trump is apparently worried about the plethora of criminal investigations threatening to lock him up in prison for the rest of his life in punishment for crimes as varied as espionage, insurrection, election fraud, and obstruction of justice.

However, Trump is reportedly trying to get the message through to Attorney General Merrick Garland that he’s willing to make a deal.

Trump posted several “Truths” on his social media app Truth Social explaining that he’ll retire from politics and pursue other interests in his remaining years if it means he won’t be prosecuted:

“Hey, Merrick Garland, if you drop these investigations that are totally rigged and full of the FBI planting evidence against me even though I already declassified all the exact documents they decided to sneak into Mar-a-Lago, maybe I’ll retire and just focus on golf from now on.”

“Maybe it’ll be nice to have some free time if I LET Joe Biden be President, even though he TOTALLY cheated and had 50 million illegal immigrant votes in the most disgraceful and rigged election in US history! But only if the DOJ, FBI, and states of New York and Georgia all agree to never investigate me ever again!”

“I have a lot of things I’d rather do than go to jail because Joe Biden is using the FBI as his own personal Gestapo to attack the perfect reputation of the country’s greatest president ever, ME, who never had a single scandal, got crime down to zero, totally rebuilt the military, did more for the Christians than anyone ever, and still has approval ratings (the real ones!) higher than anyone could ever believe!”

“If Merrick Garland forgets about all the nuclear secrets I accidentally shuffled in with all my other totally innocent and perfect documents, I’ll just spend the rest of my days holding Melania’s hand, and seeing the beautiful smile full of unconditional love she gives me every time she sees me and then definitely doesn’t scowl after I look away!”

“And I’ll do so much charity work as well. Since leaving New York and starting my new Florida foundation, I have learned so much about non-profit laws. I promise this time I won’t accidentally spend…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.