Remember That Donald Trump Was Born In A Time Of Widespread Lead-Based Paint Use

Dash MacIntyre
2 min readJul 16, 2022

President Donald Trump’s presidency was offensive to humanity, and ended with a deadly attempted coup against our democracy.

He has fascist tendencies along with an awful temperament and a sociopathic lack of morality, and is the personification of everything that is analytically senseless, excessively stupid, and culturally grotesque about American society.

But while we reflect on his general miserableness, we must charitably remember that Mr. Trump was born in 1946, a full 32 years before America stopped widely using lead-based paint in homes in 1978.

Little Donnie’s childhood home was without a doubt painted with lead-based paint, and it’s quite probable that Donnie began every morning eating an unbalanced breakfast of paint chips while growing up.

I’ve run the numbers, and I can confidently estimate that Trump has consumed not a lead-soaked paint chip fewer than 700 square feet throughout his formative years. That’s a lot of lead to get into his brain and block all his axons from efficiently transmitting electrical signals! Trump’s obvious cognitive issues, lack of intellectual curiosity, ego complexes, and general incapacity for empathy of any kind undoubtedly stem from this childhood lead poisoning.

Trump has neither denied nor confirmed these speculations, but it’s not like he would want to deny them. Would he really like to admit he’s a village idiot who lost two consecutive popular votes, got impeached twice, and has already been written into history as America’s very worst president of all time on account of his refusal to honor our sacred tradition of the peaceful transfer of power without having eaten an abundance of lead paint? I wouldn’t if I was as big a moron as Donald J. Trump!

So the next time you’re giving ol’ Donnie a hard time for being terrible in every objective measure of ethical character, behavioral conduct and mental aptitude, just remember how he screwed up his toddler brain licking and sucking on pieces of the lead-filled walls of Trump Manor! When you’re laughing at him for throwing plates, splashing ketchup on the wall, choking out Secret Service agents, leaving voicemail messages full of witness tampering and intimidation, and throwing temper tantrums until the edges of his face around his orange foundation makeup turn bright red, just remember how he gnawed on his bedroom walls like a rat!

[Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!]

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.