MAGA Fans Are Annoyed When The Brown People They Yell At Turn Out To Be Citizens
Bertha LaFollette, 49, a local Alabama woman, has been pausing in the middle of her daily errands to yell at the non-white people she encounters, but she keeps getting discouraged by finding out the people she harasses in public are, in fact, US citizens.
“I know from Fox News the illegal MS-13 gang lords and immigrant terrorists are out here all around, but they’re too shadowy and I can’t find any,” she explained. “This morning I yelled at a 50-something-year-old Asian man to go back to China, and — what do you know? — he turned out to be a 25-year veteran of the navy who has lived here in Alabama his whole life. This other Black thug I saw was reading a book in the park, so, of course, I did the patriotic thing and told him he wasn’t welcome in Mobile, and I got unlucky again! He turned out to be the mayor! What are the odds? Things are so out of control. I don’t know how he could have been democratically elected! This just isn’t my Mobile anymore! Yet all around the country are horrible stories! I hear from Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson on a nightly basis how animalistic minorities are out everywhere targeting Trump supporters and stopping at nothing to persecute us Christian whites, but just my luck that I can’t find any of them to yell at here! Maybe I should move. I must be in the only town in America where all the urbans and foreigners hold the door for me in and out of stores, and let me go first at 4-way stop signs! But I suppose it’s a blessing that my town seems perfectly normal and filled with quiet, mild-mannered immigrant and Black families when good Christian white folk all over the rest of America are daily terrorized by the invasion of millions of brown-skinned hordes pillaging and burning suburbs that used to be 100% safe from all crime.”
Ms. LaFollette invited me to accompany her on a walk around the park, and I indulged her invitation. The experience was full of ranting.
“You’re the reason I’m poor!” she exclaimed at two Hispanic boys playing Pokémon Go! along the park’s paved path as she began yelling at every person of color she saw. “You’re why my Social Security benefits aren’t keeping up with inflation! You and your margarita family! You’re why my van broke down! You’re why I can’t afford 2-ply toilet paper! You’re why this outskirt suburban town’s factory has been laying off workers for two decades, and cutting benefits even as production and profits skyrocket with the help of automation! You’re why all the wealth is concentrated at the top, and CEOs get massive bonuses and corporate retirement packages while wages mysteriously decline! Hey, you Arab punks! You’re why our job creators moved to richer cities, and lost touch with their workers and their communities, and eventually moved manufacturing entirely to Taiwan and Vietnam! You! You two basketball-playing middle-schoolers! It’s all your fault! Not the fault of the Republican Party’s decades-long insistence on global free-trade coupled with obstinacy to any economic stimulus or social welfare protections for the affected, collateral-damaged victims of the outsourcing of our industrial economy from Main Street America to Asia, if that’s what you were thinking! So go back to Mexico, or Africa, or wherever all you hyphen-Americans came from! You’re why I’m not getting full-time hours or healthcare from my job as a welcome greeter at Walmart! It’s because of your toddler little sister who is going to grow up and have mixed babies and further make America less white! Trump’s gonna get reelected and kick you all out! Then, once you’re gone, I’ll be rich! I’ll be a billionaire! My diabetes will disappear! And walmart will finally promote me to cashier, and will start giving me weeks and weeks of paid vacation every year, and stock option bonuses! The economy will soar so high my toughest decision each day is which convertible car I should drive to work! So start packing your stuff, because the longer you and your families have your dirty lives here in Alabama, the longer it will be till I’m in the 1%! Till all white Americans are in the 1%! When you’re all deported I won’t need food stamps anymore from the government! I won’t need any welfare at all! So scram, you undesirables!”
LaFollette started choking on her saliva for a brief moment. Than continued.
“And don’t go home thinking I’m stupid for not realizing that your people and mine are both victims of unprecedented economic inequality, and that we should actually be allied according to our economic interests against the class warfare of top-down economic exploitation, because that’s not the truth! White people are the only victims! Not you people! So you have to get out of our country! Doesn’t matter if you were born here, or your family has been here for generations! I don’t care if your ancestors were from some South-Western town or village for a thousand years in territory that changed hands from country to country in shifting colonial geo-political dealings until America annexed it in the 1800s effectively annexing your family along with it! It’s white American land now, so scram! You’re the culprit for why my white-trash life has no hope for improvement! It’s you! As soon as you’re gone, the billionaires and corporations will trickle down wealth everywhere to everyone! Reagan will finally be vindicated! And I’ll buy a mansion, and never have to eat out of the trash behind restaurants ever again. I’ll have ten servants, no, even better, I’ll have ten slaves! When Trump becomes dictator, ‘Real America’ will get everything we want! So maybe you all can stay only if you become my slaves! Finally, American will be great again! USA! USA! Oh, and this is not racist by the way! I don’t have a racist bone in my body! I’m a good Christian! This is just economic frustration!”
[Check out my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!]
Follow my daily Dada journalism here on Twitter @HalfwayPost, and follow me on Medium for more of my comedy.
Check out my comedy portfolio!
