Dr. Oz’s Top Excuses For Why He’s Never In Pennsylvania

Photo is a Fair Use screenshot from this campaign video

• “Where in the rule book does it say I HAVE to live in Pennsylvania while I’m campaigning to be Pennsylvanians’ senator? Besides, if I become a senator, I’m just going to buy a mansion in D.C. and live there. Whether I win or lose, I’m never going to live in Pennsylvania!”
• “Pennsylvania just has this really odd smell.”
• “I’m kind of freaked out by the Amish, and they’re everywhere in Pennsylvania.”
• “Turkey has a lot of elections, and it feels like I’m always flying back and forth to vote there.”
• “I’m kind of good friends with a lot of the top Turkish governmental officials. They invite me to a lot of weddings, birthday parties, campaign parties, and top secret meetings on intel I should try to collect when I’m a senator.”
• “None of my friends or family live in Pennsylvania.”
• “I may have tried out a bunch of fake medical cures on Pennsylvanians that maybe turned them blind and gave them cancer before I found less toxic medical cures to pass on to New Jerseyans.”
• “I only agreed to run for the Senate because Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump told me I wouldn’t have to work very hard to get elected. I specifically told them I’d only run as long as I didn’t have to shake hands or touch any Pennsylvanians.”
• “I’m kind of afraid of John Fetterman. He’s huge and tough looking. He’s almost 7-feet tall! I can’t be on a debate stage with him because I’ll look like a little Oompa-Loompa!”
• “I just think Philly cheesesteak sandwiches taste better in Jersey.”
• “I don’t own a mansion in Pennsylvania that I can live in, and I haven’t stayed in a hotel since 1996.”
• “I didn’t realize Pennsylvania was so rural between Pittsburg and Philadelphia. All the Republicans in this state are hillbillies. I’m not trying to be a senator for a bunch of Northern Alabamians!”
• “Every time I drive through Philly, I get scared I’m gonna get mugged so I turn around and floor it to the nearest bridge over the Delaware River. Philly is a very sketch city.”
• “As someone who has spent a lot of time in Turkey, which isn’t far from where Dracula lived, I’m spooked by places with ‘sylvania’ in their name.”
• “I don’t understand why Pennsylvanians are obsessed with that big, cracked bell they have, and at this point I’m afraid it’s too late and awkward to ask.”
• “I like going to music concerts, and all the best singers are from Jersey. Sinatra, Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Paul Simon, the Jonas Brothers. Pennsylvania is just a black hole for artistic talent.”
• “New Jersey’s beaches are way better, and I have yet to find any good caviar toast places, or any seafood places for that matter, in Pennsylvania.”
• “The sh*tty roads in PA really f*ck the suspension of my Lamborghini.”
• “I’ve technically got three lawsuits pending for medical malpractice in PA, and if I enter the state I might be served a summons.”
• “I never cared for the Rocky movies. Each one gets worse than the last. Philadelphia owes every American the 10+ hours it took us to watch those dumb films.”
• “I’m sorry to repeat myself, but the entire state of Pennsylvania just has a very weird smell.”

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