Don’t Let The Facts That I Only Criticize Democrats And I Always Defend Donald Trump Confuse You, I’m An Independent Centrist!

Photo by Courtney Corlew

I’ve done it! I’ve climbed the ladder of Twitter-nobodies and joined the cadre of viral hot take slingers by mocking the media and D.C. establishment intelligentsia, and I did it all with no money or influence! Just an insatiable appetite for spamming and trolling.

Of course I’ve made a lot of enemies along the way, most spitefully from the Woke, socialist thought-police who are empathic freaks incapable of maintaining an emotionally uninvested, bird’s-eye, macro view of political issues like me. But they’re just snowflakes who hate how a straight, white, cisgender guy like me can amass such a huge following online by mocking their political rights, socio-economic inequalities, and cultural contributions. But remember, I’m not actually committed to any of the things I say or do to provoke them into Wokesplaining conniptions, I’m just asking questions, playing devil’s advocate, and trolling for lolz.

Life would be much easier for the Woke if they remembered that, at the end of the day, virtually no national debate on a contentious piece of legislation or civil rights issue ever affects me personally. Politics, the government, elections, and public policy are all just games for me. And I play to win. So, when I throw out a what-about-ism here and a “both sides” there, I’m just tossing curve balls to strike them out into rage. When they quit the debate and block me online, I win!

Although, sometimes, when I’m in danger of losing an argument, I say I used to be a Democrat myself years ago, before they took a hard turn left toward Commie Town. I even voted for Obama in 2008. There’s no way I can verify that for my haters on Twitter who point out that my earliest tweets when I started my account in 2009 regularly hashtagged the Tea Party, but that just proves how much of an open mind I keep. I’m a CLASSICAL liberal. It’s Leftists who have abandoned liberalism, not me!

I also sometimes claim I’m a demisexual or aromantic so I can pedantically demand Woke liberals support me and accept my opinions as valid because I have LGBTQ+ membership and am myself a victim of the anti-queer, capitalistic, white cisgender patriarchy. Hilarious, right?

I laugh so hard when the Woke mob tries to cancel me because my fans love me for making them so upset. I can’t be canceled. In fact, I tally up all the times I get called a “Nazi” because I’m a neo-nazi at most on my best sociopathic day. Do I think the Nazis may have had a few good ideas? Of course! Obviously not every idea they ever had was about genocide and world-wide race wars. For instance, I’m a huge fan of their liberal book burnings, making Jews identify themselves in public, and the concept of a fun, affordable “people’s car.”

But there is one downside to being an anti-Woke Internet troll, and it’s that the liberal coastal elites are pretty much the source of all great culture, innovation, and societal excitement in America. I’ll admit it’s ironic that I spend ten hours a day calling the cosmopolitan coasts “baby-eating communist shitholes where everyone is murdered by Black thugs every day” because I’m not about to leave my big city and move to some flyover country mining ghost town. I’m not happy saying this, but elitist libs shitholes are somehow where all the fun events and parties take place, where all the artists and tech geniuses live, where all the skinny and pretty people live, and where all the money and economic growth is, despite how deranged and stupid the libs are.

And because I get tarred unfairly as a Republican by the mainstream media, I don’t get invited to any of the good parties, media events, or podcast-guesting. But I’m not a Republican! I just almost exclusively spend all my time online defending everything Republicans do, that’s all!

I cannot make myself more clear that I’m an independent centrist. Unlike all the liberal sheeple, I consume a wide variety of news sources to maintain a balanced diet of opinions. My tastes are much more diverse than the average politico, ranging from OAN and Newsmax, to Alex Jones and Infowars, to Joe Rogan interviews with Jordan Peterson. I’m not saying I believe everything they all say, but they’re the only ones with the guts to not be dominated by any Woke political correctness. In this era of rampant Cancel Culture, that’s much more important than having your sweeping generalizations of history, economics, and political discourse pass every fact-check.

The only reason I always defended Donald Trump through every controversy and scandal of his presidency is because the Democrats bought a one-way ticket to Neo-Marxist Communism, and divided America by whining about how unfair society is. Trump told it like it was, and didn’t care if people got upset. That’s the kind of unity we need. My motto is the same as Ben Shapiro’s: “Facts don’t care about your feelings.” Sure, Donald Trump told a lot of lies, but he’s just a great showman. That’s why he’s the best communicator. He understands on a basic level how Real America feels. I’d even improve Shapiro’s motto by taking out “facts,” because facts are all Fake News anyway. My motto is “I don’t care about your feelings.” Take that, libs!

So can everyone stop calling me a conservative or a Republican from now on? I’m barely on the Right at all. I’m very much in the middle. Just very high at the top, deep into the “Authority” end of the 4-way political compass. The liberals don’t understand this because they’re socialists obsessed with forcing majority rule upon everyone else. But America isn’t a democracy, it’s a republic. So to stop the libs from ruining America, I’m all for Republicans making Donald Trump emperor. Just kidding, I’m only joking and being ironic. I don’t want America to have a dictatorship, I just want Trump to be president for as long as he wants, even if he technically loses again in 2024!

Follow my daily Dada journalism here on Twitter @HalfwayPost, and follow me on Medium for more of my comedy.

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Dash MacIntyre

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post, and is publishing comedy lots of places. Follow THP on Twitter to read my Dada journalism.