DOLPHINESE!

Biologists Have Translated The Dolphin Language, And They Say It’s Filled With Slur Words For Humans

Efforts to interpret the language skills of highly intelligent and sociable dolphins go back decades.

Photo by Ranae Smith on Unsplash

In a stunning scientific and biological breakthrough, marine biologists based in Miami have finished translating a Gulf dialect of the language dolphins use to communicate with each other.

Dolphinese, as it has been named, consists of clicking, whistling, and humming noises that allow dolphins to communicate ideas with each other even when they cannot see each other.

“This is huge,” said project director Herb Gheron, “And the research has opened up so many possibilities for human-dolphin cooperation.”

However, one of the more startling revelations from the research has been Dolphinese’s conceptualization of humans.

“It appears that dolphins have multiple words and phrases to identify and describe humans,” said Gheron. “And even more interesting, there are more synonyms for ‘human’ than any other concept in Dolphinese, with both positive and negative connotations… though our research so far seems to suggest that most are very much on the negative side.”

The following is a list of Dolphinese words and terms for humans, translated into English as best as possible:

• “Riptide quitters”
• “Current bobbers”
• “Debbie drowners”
• “Respiratory toddlers”
• “Fun-sized shark snacks”
• “External testiculars”
• “Squares who don’t get high off of pufferfish”
• “Echo-less rejects”
• “Plastic-pooping monkeys”
• “Planet-soilers”
• “Need-bait-and-sticks-to-catch-fish”
• “Emaciated flippers”
• “Chin-side blowholes”
• “Rostrum-less savages with tiny melons”
• “Dorsal dummies”
• “Swimmers of the very shallows”
• “Sunburning evolutionary failures whose skin doesn’t shed every two hours”
• “Wave weaklings”
• “Barely-ever-clean-themselves-in-water slobs”
• “Food chewers”
• “Both-eyes-closed-sleepers”
• “Needs-both-brain-hemispheres-working-at-the-same-time doofuses”
• “Bad whistlers”
• “Penises-Not-Worth-Clicking-Home-About”

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