Awful Things Trump Has Said About Our Other Presidents
Barack Obama: “President Obama lied about his weight on his presidential physicals! He weighed way more than the low numbers he forced the doctors to write down! I bet that fatty also lied about his height to make his body mass index number lower! Unlike me, who is 100% transparent and honest with ALL of MY medical records!”
Jimmy Carter: “Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer? How did a marble-mouthed Southern hillbilly like that ever get elected president? He reminds me of Jeff Sessions, who I wake up every morning wanting to strangle for following the law and recusing himself from the Russia investigation!”
Franklin Roosevelt: “A lot of people don’t know this, but FDR was in a wheelchair. So how did he win so many elections? If I were running against him, I would have offered to roll him around for an hour, and then rolled him off a cliff or into a busy street when a bus was coming!”
Former presidents’ daughters: “No President has ever had a daughter as hot as Ivanka! Have you seen portraits of the daughters of all the presidents before 1920? Talk about fugly! None of them are hotter than 6’s, I wouldn’t date any of them! Maybe that’s why all the early presidents had such serious faces all the time. Their daughters were hideous. If you ask me, they were so ugly they didn’t deserve the right to vote. And those giant dresses were no fun at all. Way too elaborate and time-consuming to get in and out of. I’m glad my beauty pageants were in the 1990s and 2000s when clothes were much simpler and skimpier! I’d hate to have a pageant in the 1830s and walk into the locker rooms only to have to wait an hour before seeing any skin!”
Bill Clinton: “People are talking about how Bill Clinton was friendly with Jeffrey Epstein, and people want to know what he was up to. No one wants to know more than me. And I can confirm that Bill Clinton spent some time around Epstein. We hung out a few times on Jeffrey’s private island!”
Former impeached presidents: “Ha! Bill Clinton and Andrew Johnson got impeached! What losers! They should have just quit life after that! How could they still show their faces in public after getting impeached? Impeached presidents should get hit with rotten tomatoes everywhere they go for being so weak and unpopular. And laughed at, and mocked loudly in the street! How embarrassing!” [Trump said this before he himself was impeached… twice.]
Thomas Jefferson: “A lot of people don’t know this, but Thomas Jefferson did the Louisiana Purchase. But he paid way too much! I would have gotten it for so much cheaper. No one does continental colonial land deals better than me! And I would have sweet-talked the old French ladies way better than Jefferson, and even Ben Franklin! I’d apply a little extra facial bronzer, style my hair into the perfect spray-hardened combover helmet, undo a couple shirt buttons to show off my yeti chest hair, and pop in a Tic Tac. The Parisian salons would have found me irresistible! And the Trump trademark trick is to take a broad out furniture shopping. They love it! I would have bought those French dames some nice side tables, and grabbed ’em by the petite chats! You wouldn’t believe how low I’d haggle the price down to for a Trumpiana Purchase! Then I’d crown myself King of Trumpland!”
John Kennedy: “John F. Kennedy looked ridiculous with such a fake tan face! People can always tell when someone’s facial skin color is way off from normal, so he was a dummy for thinking people wouldn’t notice!”
Former general presidents: “All of our former general presidents were idiots. I’m so much better at the military than them. I could have won the Civil War much faster than Ulysses Grant, and done it without having to free the slaves! I’m actually sorry the doctors wouldn’t let me go to Vietnam because of the four college deferments and bone spurs. The doctors all agreed my brain was too big and brilliant to risk in war. They said that I should stay in college to be able to make great real estate deals in the future! They said they couldn’t wait to stay several nights at one of the luxurious hotels they knew I’d build with my smarts! They said I had the biggest brain they had ever seen, and it would make too big of a target for the Viet Cong!”
Richard Nixon: “Nixon was a moron for accepting a pardon, which was like admitting blame for the things he did. I’d never accept a pardon, unless the Deep State prosecutes me for any of my tax evasion, wire fraud, money laundering, obstruction of justice, cyber crimes, campaign finance violations, sexual assault, insurrection, and treason because that’s all fake news! I’d take a pardon for all of that, but I’d still be 100% innocent! Sure, I had three consecutive campaign managers in a row get arrested, but that’s just bad luck! It’s not my fault most of the top people I picked to help me get elected were secretly criminals! Maybe Obama somehow convinced Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, Steve Bannon, Michael Cohen, George Papadopoulos, Mike Flynn, and Roger Stone to convince me to hire them in order to set me up! Their getting arrested says nothing about me!”
James Buchanan: “James Buchanan did the stupidest thing in history by giving up his presidential power right as the Southern states started seceding. He should have used that as a pretext to declare martial law, and make himself an emergency dictator! I would have killed to have a golden opportunity like that. No, literally, I would have killed Mike Pence for it. If only the blue Biden states had started trying to secede on January 6th so I could have actually gotten the military involved! The military were all totally weak instead, and refused my demands to occupy Detroit and Atlanta to confiscate mail-in votes. And refused to force Congress at gunpoint to accept my fake slates of electors Rudy Giuliani put together. And refused to abduct Mike Pence and send him to Guantanamo for treason against his president, who did such a great thing for him by letting him be Vice President for all the Christians. I’m definitely doing a civil war in 2024 if I don’t win.”
Grover Cleveland: “How embarrassing to lose your election and run again later. And he didn’t even blame his loss on a rigged election. I wonder if he tried any coups like I did!”
Former bald presidents: “John Quincy Adams, Martin Van Buren, and Dwight Eisenhower were all bald! What lame presidents! I still have the luscious, bright blonde hair of a teenager, and I don’t even style it at all. How it looks right now is just how I got out of bed this morning!”
Trump only had something positive to say about one president.
Abraham Lincoln: “I respect Abraham Lincoln for the Civil War. Talk about strength! But I’ve always wondered if the Democrats freighted in millions of Mexican illegals by steamboat to vote against Lincoln like they’re doing with the migrant caravans to vote against me.”
[Originally published in my book “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!]
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