DADDY VLADDY

A Transcript Of One Of Trump’s Phone Calls With Putin Was Leaked

Dash MacIntyre

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(Official White House Photo by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)

The following is a transcript of Trump’s end of a phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin shortly after the 2020 election that was secretly recorded:

“Sorry, Vlad, I know… I know, it’s f*cking bullsh*t… I knew I should have taken your advice and started pushing journalists and Democrats off roofs… I was waiting for the second term for stuff like that… I know, but I had to get reelected first… Yeah, sitting presidents can’t be indicted, but it’s way harder to campaign and do debates if everyone is blaming you for murder… Well, I can’t cook the books and invent votes like you can because our stupid elections are decentralized. You have it so easy in Russia, and you don’t even know it. I hope you appreciate how much power you get to have legally over there… I could have made some public examples of my enemies in other ways, you’re right… The military wouldn’t let me have any of those cool poisons you use… Tell me about it. … Trust me, I tried that, but my military has so many dumb rules. They’re such rule-followers. Be glad your military does what you want. My generals are so lazy. I can’t even get them to pepper spray protesters or shoot a few in the legs… Oh, how easy Hitler had it. His generals did everything he wanted. I was born too late. I would have thrived as president in the 1940s. I totally could have beaten FDR. The guy was in a wheelchair, it’s not that hard. You offer to wheel him around for a little bit to be nice, and then you roll him right into an oncoming bus. And I would have been so good at WWII. My secret is I would have allied with Hitler. And I’d have won reelection so easy. Not like this rigged election. How did you let Biden beat me? …It sure wasn’t my fault! … Whose side are you on? The Democrats’ side? Of course it was rigged! That’s the only way I could possibly lose to Biden… I don’t care what the polls said all along, my campaign was perfect! I’d give it an A+ grade… Hey, it’s not all my fault, you know, I remember a certain someone telling me their hackers and Facebook trolls would keep Pennsylvania red! You said that, didn’t you? … Yeah, yeah, yeah… Obviously I’m going to try to get rid of the sanctions one more time, but that’s an uphill battle. … Well, you didn’t give me the emails of enough GOP Congress people, and I can only…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.