What To Expect From Donald Trump’s Upcoming Trials

A handy guide for people who aren’t as familiar with Donald Trump as me.

Dash MacIntyre

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Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash
  1. Donald Trump will be held in contempt of court for shouting out derogatory nicknames at the witnesses who accuse Trump of attempting to intimidate in between court appearances. He’ll pretend to cough while shouting “fake news,” and throughout the trial keep a notebook out in front of him on which he will write down the names of everyone in the trial he will send in the first wave to the concentration camps when he appoints himself dictator on day one of his next term and lets Stephen Miller, Nick Fuentes, Jack Posobiec, and Charlie Kirk go wild with their Nazi role-playing.
  2. Eric Trump will yell out “Objection!” from the peanut gallery during his father’s trial appearance at irrelevant times. He’ll repeat everything he hears from lawyer shows, but also complain to the judge that the trial is taking way longer than it should because on TV all the trials only take a half hour or an hour at the most, and have commercial breaks to get a chance to go to the bathroom or take another huff of glue.
  3. Trump will clog the courthouse toilet during a break of trial proceedings trying to flush notes his lawyers have written down for him. When the bowl starts overflowing, he’ll tell the responding janitor, “It was like this when I found it.” Throughout the day his diapers in the trash cans will really make the bathroom reek. Trump will pay the janitors $250 each to sign non-disclosure agreements to not reveal his secret that because he snorts so much Adderall his diaper stains are the color blue.
  4. Donald Trump will mouth “I’m going to kill you” several times to former staffers of his who will testify against him. He’ll make several gestures of strangulation with an intensely furious look on his face. Then he’ll calm down, look around, make eye contact with the witnesses, point his thumb at Ivanka sitting behind him, wink, lick his finger, poke the air, and make a sizzling sound.
  5. Donald Trump will tell the judge that he can’t be sent to prison because all his children love him and need him, and, also, that if he’s not in the picture he’s worried Ivanka will murder all her siblings like a Mongolian Khan to prove she has the strength and…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.