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MINUTE BY MINUTE
How Donald Trump Will Spend Christmas Morning
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?”
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?” and reach for a mirror to see how many of his implants slipped out from his scalp while sleeping.
6:04am — Ring the bell for Lindsey Graham to come bring him his first Diet Coke.
6:05 — Log into Twitter from his David Dennison account to search “Donald Trump,” and see what people are saying about him. Start drinking the Diet Coke while Lindsey crushes up a line of Adderall.
6:06 — Reply to tweets by the White House’s Twitter account with “Remember the time Biden fell off his bike? Donald Trump never falls off his bike! Trump’s the most fit president of all time, except maybe Lincoln, but he’d totally beat Lincoln if he biked against him!”
6:09 — Get filled with rage that everyone is still mocking the NFT trading cards. Snort the Adderall line. Tell Lindsey to write him a post-it note about having another dinner with Nazis to get back at all the liberals who are saying his NFTs are a giant scam. Lindsey pretends to write it down, but hopes Trump will forget.
