ADVICE FROM THE ANTICHRIST
Trump Says Christians Should Emulate His Marriage To Melania
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Former President Donald Trump made some controversial comments at a prayer breakfast event this morning alleging that he has always kept God, Jesus, and Christian values at the center of his three marriages.
“The Christians really love my marriage to Melania,” Trump said. “My marriage is much more Christian than Joe Biden’s marriage, or Pete Buttigieg’s marriage, or Ron DeSantis’s marriage. Melania and I spend a lot of time reading the Bible together. We can’t put the Bible down! I love so many Bible stories, like the one about that guy Lot, whose daughters got him drunk and then seduced him to have his babies. They say the Bible is tremendously relatable, and that one certain is! Me and Melania’s kid Barry, or whatever his name is, is a good looking kid, but can you imagine if me and Ivanka had a kid? And what if it was a girl? The fake news media always lies about me being attracted to my daughter, and they’d definitely accuse me of being attracted to my granddaughter if I had one with Ivanka. With Ivanka’s legs and jugs, and my youthfully robust head of hair and my healthy, tanned skin glow, that would be something! Too bad the New Testament had to come along and cancel out all the incest stuff the Old Testament allowed Lot to do! But, like I said, my marriage with Melania is totally in honor of Jesus and the Bible. I am 100% faithful to her and Jesus. A lot of people don’t know this, but when I paid off all those porn stars, it was because I DIDN’T do anything with them. Certainly nothing sexual. They just wanted me to teach them about the Bible. Those pornstars came up to me with tears in their eyes, and got down on their knees to beg me to convert them to Christianity. They said, ‘Sir, no one’s more Christian than you, please teach us! Show us how to be great Christians like you are. You’re one of the best Christians, maybe of all time. Maybe Jesus was a little better, but then you’re a close number two right after him!’ So I only went up to those pornstars’ hotel rooms to teach them all about the tremendous love of Jesus. I read them my favorite stories from the Bible, like the time Jesus was eaten by the whale. And the time Jesus cut off Medusa’s head full of snakes for hair. And when Jesus became the king, but found out he had accidentally…
