ELECTION 2024

This Is How Donald Trump Can Win A 3rd GOP Primary

The fool-proof steps Trump can take to defeat Ron DeSantis and the rest of his primary challengers.

(Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | Public Domain CC 1.0)

This is how Donald Trump wins the GOP presidential nomination for a third time:

• Ask Russia to leak the emails of Ron DeSantis
• Track and start keeping detailed records of the menstrual cycles of Liz Cheney, Kamala Harris, Nikki Haley, Kristi Noem, and any other potential female critics and rivals
• Pick a new ethnic demographic to call rapists and drug dealers to keep his next campaign fresh, maybe the Irish this time
• Send Rudy Giuliani to San Francisco to search around for any laptops Gavin Newsom may have left at a computer repair shop
• Drop subtle hints to Ivanka that she could lose a few pounds
• Find out if Tiffany’s new husband wants to be his next executive adviser since Jared Kushner is busy with his $2 billion in Saudi blood money (first find out if Tiffany’s husband is Jewish because the QAnon people won’t want another globalist)
• Demand Jared give him his half of the $2 billion ASAP
• Get a body-double for Melania because there’s no way she’s doing any more campaign speeches for him, or spending another four years in the White House
• Hold an intervention for Don Jr. so he’ll stop filming and uploading videos with slurry speech, bloodshot eyes, and drip-down sniffles
• Make a fake treasure map that occupies Eric for the next two years of campaigning and keeps him away from media attention
• Get Stephen Miller some kind of makeover or PR coach so he stops looking like Nosferatu
• Find lawyers and media spokespeople with bigger breasts, blonder hair, and better lying talents
• Sue the RNC for letting Biden win and hurting his brand
• Sue the secretaries of state of Georgia, Arizona, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania for letting Biden win
• Sue the 81 million voters who voted for Biden
• Make Don Jr. legally change his name so he stops…